A very disturbing thing occurred to me around hour 2.33 of the 84th Annual Academy Awards.
It started as a sort of dull head ache. It wasn't a sinus head ache (back of the eyes) or a hunger headache (for me, somewhere between the temples and the back of the neck). It was more like a woozy head ache, kind of like the way your head feels when you're hungover.
That's when it occurred to me: I was HUNGOVER, MID PARTY.
Around age 25 I came to terms with the fact that I'd never be able to drink "like I used to." The mid-twenties hangovers were, for me, a completely crippling proposition. By 27 I'd officially become a "cheap date." I could feel a glass of wine hit me after four or five sips. By my second drink I was, as people over 40 say, "toasted." The idea of a third or fourth cocktail meant surrendering the entire next day to the spins.
And yet, at least those unfortunate conditions were still within the realm of logic. They're what happens when you get older. They're the body saying, "Sorry old friend. This rager has shifted into dinner party mode." There is a distinct difference between getting more hungover and getting hungover MID DRINKING.
Sos to be clear about how completely ridiculous and unacceptable this situation is, below are the drinks I consumed at their approximate time of consumption:
- 3:30pm - Glass of Barefood Pinot Grigio Champagne to accompany E! Red Carpet Coverage. I filled half a wine glass with this delicious half vino, half champs blend and sipped it to completion, approximately 20 minutes later. For the record I don't love Pinot Grigio and only drink champagne if I'm feeling fancy, but I did enjoy the combo.
- 4:15pm - Half of a can of La Croix seltzer, lemon lime flavor, aka NOT ALCOHOL. The champs made me thirsty so I shared a seltzer with R and, in an unplanned move, slowed the climb toward toasted.
- 5:00pm - Second glass of PGChamps. Again, half a glass. Again, delicious. This time I accompanied the bubbly with a FULL plate of food including Tinker Tailor Shepard Pie, The Ides of Starch (mac n' cheese), an Extremely Brown Incredible Roast, some Glen Cous Cous with Albert Nobbs of Feta, and a bit of my own Brie of Life. The food should have soaked up the booze, but I found myself fairly tipsy around Best Costume Design. Speaking of, that was 100% J. Lo's nipple. No doubt about it.
- 6:00pm - 3rd glass of PGChampas. I know what you're thinking, but it is worth pointing out that these were little glasses (5 or 6 ounces), and that I once lead a Drinking Survivor team to a case race win by drinking (EYE MUFFS MOM!!) 4 beers in 10 minutes.
Now at this point I started to feel pretty tipsy, so I broke from the boozing and had another 1/2 can of seltzer. No, I don't know why I can't drink a full can of seltzer, but I can't.
- 7:00pm - A FULL HOUR later I poured myself a glass of the blood orange-infused vodka based punch that my friend Jordan gifted upon the party. His pun: Maybe She's Born With It Maybe It's Abbeline's Party Punch.
So this is what it's come to. I'm 28 years old, and I get hungover after consuming four light beverages in as many hours. This is almost as mortifying as the fact that my knees now hurt a little after walking in heels all day long. I used to walks MILES in heels for HOURS at a time. This is unacceptable...unacceptable and embarrassing.
And yet, it was sort of nice to wake up feeling fresh as a flower. I was mid hangover by the time I hit the sack. My 8am the next morning was like noon after a night of drinking in my early twenties.
Also, flats are kind of comfortable.