It wasn't until my friend - we'll call him Sed - posed the question relative to his own life-decision that I realized I've never tackled the when-do-you-take-the-major-romantic-leap-of-faith? issue. We've been through should-I-go-on-a-second-date-with-him-or-not? and should-I-break-up-with-her-or-no? And of course is-this-game-playing-ever-going-to-turn-into-something-real-or-not?
But what about do I ask her to move clear across the country for me after we've known each other for 6 months? Or, do I tell her I want her to finish her doctorate in the US instead of Scotland so we can be together?
Relationship defining or ending stuff. Life changing no matter the call stuff. Nicholas Sparks books stuff.
Here - in pieces - is Sed's story. Below that is my advice to him. Would I take that advice myself? I don't know. I've never had to, and I wonder if I ever will? Would you take the advice if I gave it to you? And, maybe more importantly, would you give me this same advice if I asked?
"How do you know when to make that decision,
the one that pulls the closer from the bullpen?"
In high school I was briefly interested in this girl we can call M, she was three years younger than me so of course I paid her no attention. She would sit at our lunch table and I would not know what to say or how to say it. Life went on with that nervous rumble in my stomach every day during 6th period. Once I concocted a plan to get tutoring from M's brother, so i could be convieniently placed in her kitchen when she arrived home. We made plans to accompany a friend to the movies so he did not have to go on a blind date alone. We kissed once in my Jeep. Then life shot us in different directions. I went to college, she finished high school. We saw each other a few times here and there, then I got into a serious accident. I called her on her birthday while in recovery. we met up once again after that, the night before she left for Scotland. I kissed her goodbye out of left field (but it was entirely necessary and at the right moment). Life went on...
6 months ago she messages me out of the blue. We begin to email and gchat, and pick up in a new direction. Somewhere in that time, she makes a decision. And not a light one. But rather a big league one. She decides to move back to the U.S., more specifically the south, more specifically, Savannah, Georgia - miles from where I am. All the while I have 100% wanted this to happen. She tells me I am a new person and 10x the man she expected. I cannot get enough of her. She thinks she is falling for me. It's story book...
Now the ball's in my court. She will be here until January when she plans to go back to Scotland to finish her Doctorate. I am torn to whether I should let this grow into something important only to have it be taken away (physically) or keep her at a distance. I've already been thinking about asking her to stay, or even seeing what Scotland has to offer. She does quite a bit to move me, in all directions. It is lovely and exciting but maybe it's just the dramatic entrance.I don't know, it might just be the romantic in me.
How do you know when to make that decision, the one that pulls the closer from the bullpen?
which on a second read isn't technically advice...
which on a second read isn't technically advice...
I have a few questions of the logistical variety, but they're not wholly important to what my answers slash thoughts will be. They are:
-how long has the new, old romance been going on between you?
-how long will she be in Scotland finishing her doctorate?
-to what degree have you two talked about your desires to be together? Has she at all referenced staying (for you)? Have you at all referenced going (with her)?
In my head I'm thinking - this situation has developed quickly so a big move on the part of either person is, well, big - but this isn't a "head" thing, unfortunately...
What would I do? Let her go to Scotland. Keep as in touch as humanly possible making clear how strongly I feel about her and saying I want to try a long-distance relationship to gague our feelings for each other over a little more time. If it continues to grow to the point of it being damn-near certain that it is right - I'd move, or have her move and finish her doctorate in the US. Scotland is as far from Georgia as LA is from NY. That's far, but not so far that I think she shouldn't go and try it and you shouldn't wait a tad before making a major move there.
But those are the specifics. You asked when you know it's time or right to make that move. I have absolutely no idea. But what I do know is this:
There's only ever 3 things that can come from a decision like this.
One: you take a major risk and end up together forever or for a long while.
Two: you don't take the risk and things dissolve or get complicated and evetually
dissolve. And the dreaded/multifaceted
Three: you take the risk, it doesn't work out and...
But And what? And you move back from Scotland to live life in a different direction? And you are hurt/confused/lost for awhile? And you missed out on opportunities? Other girls? Jobs? And you never love again?
Yes, it could be one of those things. All of those things. And they're all bad things. The question I always ask myself when faced with just this kind of what-should-I-do? is - what's the greater risk? All that maybe bad stuff, or never ever knowing if this was the thing that was most right.
Heavy, I know. And not a real answer, I also know. But did you ever read a story about the guy who met the love of his life, had the opportunity to take some major risks to discover if she was really the one, decided against that and just kept trucking along.
Right. Because no one wrote the book. Because no one wants to read it.