Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
I love the Kennedy’s – Ted in particular – as much as any Boston College-educated liberal democrat. I also have a strange thing for memorial services, commemorative events, roasts, that part of the Oscars where Tom Hanks gives Ron Howard a lifetime achievement award (in my mind it should just be that every single year) – really anything involving notable people making sweeping speeches about other notable people.
Very notable political people had incredible things to say about Ted Kennedy. Historical things and achievement-based things, yes, but also deeply personal stories about their times with Ted.
He called me every other day after my wife and daughter were killed and offered me a thought or a prayer or, more often, a joke – Joe Biden said.
Teddy would call me after we’d had a particularly big fight on the senate floor and say, “that was fun Orin – what should we go ‘round the ring about today?!” – Senator Hatch recounted.
He never even said who is was when he’d call, Boston’s Mayor Tom Menino said – he’s just launch into whatever he needed to say as if you were continuing some conversation you never finished the night before.
Caroline Kennedy, John McCain, former senator John Culver – the list goes on and on but stories were all the same. Ted Kennedy made contact – regular, personal, thoughtful contact over the phone.
When our generation is remembered in memorial services and thoughtful newspaper columns what will people say? “She’d send me funny texts a lot” or “I used to really enjoy her group emails” maybe “I followed her on twitter for years, and that was always interesting…”
Yes, we are of a different technological time. We have cell phones and Facebook and Twitter and gchat – and yes, they allows us to keep in touch with a larger quantity of people – a good thing, no doubt. But what about the quality?
There is something about connecting with someone over the phone. Maybe it’s a voice thing? Or a you’re “live” and not rehearsed or written down thing? Could just be that phone calls mean, “I stopped my entire day to call and speak to you” unlike texts and emails that can be so multi-tasked.
Yes, Ted Kennedy was a “phone man” because he lived and worked before texting and tweeting was the status quo. But the phone is still available, and we don’t opt against it because it’s less effective or efficient. We opt against it because it takes more time and vulnerability.
Is it weird to say I want people to know me like they knew Ted Kennedy? I mean it in a personal, friendship, familiar sense – not as in I want to be a famous senator. But listening to all the speeches throughout his memorial service I couldn’t help but think that when I pass I want my family and friends to have the memories of my reaching out to them just like Ted Kennedy’s family, friends, and colleagues have.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Chris and his friend Chris and I were talking about some Boston-based group of girls that one of the two Chris's knew.
"They'd always invite me to do stuff around town," Chris was saying, "but it's like - no I don't want to go to the museum with you - I'm a guy and none of us are dating."
"Interesting..." I said.
"Yeah," then Chris turned to Chris for bro validation. "Would you want to do that with a group of girls if you weren't interested in any of them?"
"It depends," that Chris said, "but probably no."
"Hhmm...More interesting..." I said. "So what you're saying is that if you have zero interest in any of the girls in a group of girls you therefore have zero interest in hanging out with them socially?"
"No, not at a bar or party or something, but yes to say go ice-skating."
"Wow..." I said. "So then if you decide to go do something like that with a group of girls you probably have some interest in one of its members?"
"Probably," one Chris said. "I mean it's not that simple," the other one finished, "but it's almost that simple."
Not that you couldn't figure that a guy who accepts an invite to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens with you and the girls has some kind of agenda, but to hear it explained that simply puts things into an interesting perspective.
There are categories of things that guys and girls do together -- watch games at bars, attend bbqs, go to the beach, go to concerts. Then - apparently - there are categories of things that girls do that guys will do if they want to be around one/many of those girls -- go ice skating? go shopping? attend the ballet? I didn't get a confirmed list (yet...).
Does that mean they want to date one or just hook up with one? Unclear, but there was some suggestion that the degree of girliness of the event has correlation to how a guy feels. Go see a chick-ish flick: he may just be gunning for a hook up. Spend that afternoon at one of those make-your-own-pottery places: he's considering marrying one of you.
Again - not entirely black and white (because sadly nothing is), but it does make it a little easier to figure out where a guy stands on you/your girlfriend. Get some girls together for a night of wine and pie baking and invite the dude over to join. If he comes for the entire thing he's into someone in the room. If he stays and helps clean up the entire kitchen -- it's you.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
*The below letter clearly summarizes my mission in a format that's easily posted, tweeted, pasted into status messages, and emailed around to everyone you know. We can do this, America.
Dear Sir or Madam:
I’m on a personal mission to date a member of the Obama family, and I believe you can help.
A CHANGE of dating tactic YOU CAN BELIEVE IN
Finding an eligible man in this mad-cap modern world is no easy task -- it takes focus, determination and savvy, plus of course, a strong sense of exactly what one wants in a partner.
I want someone like Barack and/or Michelle Obama.
Someone calm, cool, and collected. Someone poised, yet perma-casual. Someone with strong family values and the ability to grow an impressive vegetable garden. Someone who looks great in J. Crew. Someone presidential, if you will.
As such it seems only logical to target my search to a relative of The First Family. One possessing of their genes – no matter how few – surely stands to be superior in all human aspects.
Say YES, WE CAN help
I’m reaching out to you because of your (please circle all that apply):
connections to the president / experience in ancestry research /
current or former residence in Hawaii, Chicago, or Kenya / general smarts
Do you or does someone you know have the president’s ear? Can you think of a way to make my mission more public? Are you personally aware of a 26-year-old male third cousin living on the east coast?
Please consider whether you have any leads based on the above suggestions, and please feel free to pass this document along to anyone you think might be helpful. Included below is my dating resume – a brief summary of why I will make an excellent addition to the Obama family tree.
Many thanks in advance for your help toward this most American of causes. For why – in addition to nationalized health care, ending the war in Iraq, and a sustainable energy program - should not love, the true foundation upon which this nation was built, be a priority of its current administration.
God Bless America!
•Bachelor of Arts in Communications - Cum Laude
•Founding Member – Boston College TV
•Participant – Pedro Arrupe Volunteer Immersion program, Kingston Jamaica
New York University, Semester Abroad Spring ‘04
•Villa La Pietra, Florence, Italy
20-Nothings.com, Creator and Writer, 2007-present
Jesuit Collective Emerging Leadership Program, Pilot Member, 2007-present
•Note: extremely well received by mothers, grandmothers and aunts
PregameBoston.com, Founder and Executive Editor, 2002-2005
•Note: Dads/mentors/current bosses tend to appreciate this element
Junior State of America, Convention Coordinator, 1998-2001
•Responsible for the development and planning of three annual, political-based conventions involving debate, thought talk, and prominent D.C.-based speakers for this student-run political organization, the largest of its nature.
•Note: the president himself is familiar with and fond of this organization :)
•Card-carrying member of the Democratic party and contributor to the Obama campaign
•Can participate fairly competently in the game of basketball. Can participate very competently in the watching of the game of basketball
•Very open to the idea of holidays in Hawaii
•Have three little sisters who have each, at one point, been the same ages as Sasha and Malia
•Believe both “Mom jeans” and “shorts” are totally appropriate for all Americans
•In 2001 I memorized all the U.S. Senators, in alphabetical order
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The formal search has begun and is now organized into a three prong approach:
1. Ancestry.com searching and susequent contacting
Last week I had the following conversation with Carly:
- Carly: i can help!! i have literally done this kind of
- Me: this is so wonderful
- Carly: i have my family tree back to rev war and saw that i have the same great great grandfather as some guy our age that lives in new haven
- Carly: so i fb messaged him
- Me: WOW
- Carly: and now we are friends
- Me: see- that's exactly what I need to do
- Carly: he went to uconn
- Carly: hmm, doing a quick looking at O's family tree i think its actually pretty possible that i am distantly related to him - hahah - he has ancestors named "Wright" from tennessee in the 1800s... as do i
- Me: wow -- then can I just date someone related to you? that would be a lot easier
Using Carly's bizarre but convenient prowess we will scour Obama ancestry files for third, fourth, fifth, and even more distant cousins who I may be able to friend on Facebook and then eventually date. This happens tomorrow, over white wine and hummus (like all of life's more important tasks). Piece of cake.
2. Washington-insiders approachI graduated from the same high school specialized learning center as Kal Penn - former I'm-not-a-pot-head-I-just-play-one-in-the-movies and current Communications officer for the same company where Barack Obama works (America, more specifically The White House). I'm developing a one-sheet to send to Kal and like D.C. contacts explaining my "mission" and imploring them to choose to help me accomplish it. People love a good story, no?
3. Youtube?Seems like a powerful engine for getting difficult things done. Sarah Silverman's "The Great Schlepp" video sealed the election for Obama, as on example. And that "Charlie Bit Me" video inspired millions of Americans to talk in a British child's accent for at least a week. Also, Susan Boyle... I am contemplating going so far as to develop a youtube video explaining my mission and asking the American people -- arguably all brothers and sisters of our great leader, for help. Thoughts? Fears? Digi cams?
Stay-tuned, per usual. Also any and all recommendations for a campaign slogan are welcome. Doug - could you maybe repeat the magic of "Laundro-Matt."
Monday, August 17, 2009
Wisdom(?) - it will be if it ends up being right...
Friday, August 14, 2009
You think things are going fairly well.
- me: druck - have a second for a quick question?
- Druckman: absolutely
- me: guy calls you (a girl) "kiddo" - kiss of death?
- Druckman: I don't like it
- Druckman: awkward, fartherly type conotation - maybe even a little demeaning - sp.?
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Brian, Angela's former roommate who secretly loves her (because this is scripted television) tries to convince her to re-enter adult society . "Well, don't you miss being an adult?" Brian asks. To which Angela convincingly responds, "I guess that's my point - were we really adults before?"
To me it's the stuff Angela is so willing to give up - life paper work and forward mobility. You're an adult when pay your own car insurance, do your own taxes, manage your own health benefits, and pay a credit card bill in a manner that does not forever destroy your credit. And, even more importantly, when you do all those things as part of a greater plan to continue doing those things while also saving money in something I'm told is called a Roth IRA (Abby, please confirm).
Forgive the soap box, but not all 21-30 year old's qualify. Yes, age is just a number, but "adult" isn't just an age.
Angela's right. She wasn't really an adult before. Whining about trying to figure out how to be an adult doesn't qualify (watch season one -- all on hulu now!). But if real adult is the goal of 2/8 LIFE Season 2, I'm eager to see what steps Angela takes. And as a battle cry I offer her the inspiring words the St. Francis High School Gospel Choir sings under the direction of the incomparable Sister Mary Clarence: "If you wanna be somebody - if you wanna go somewhere -- you gotta wake up and paaaaay attention."
Maybe Angela will do that throughout the rest of the season, or maybe she'll just get a bird and call that parenting...
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
There's no question that Barack Obama was a smart guy to marry -- brains, looks, charm, American presidency -- just the kind of guy you could bring home to Mom. So it would only seem logical that a relative of our Husband-in-Chief would possess those same qualities that made Barry so datable in the first place. He would be a catch.
- Do you or does anyone you know work for the President or Mrs. Obama?
- Are you or is anyone you know/are related to from the Obama's neighborhood in Chicago?
- Have you ever gone through the process of searching a random person's family tree (Carly, I feel like you have...)
- What are your thoughts on my creating a simple youtube video (set to song, perhaps?) that makes my pitch to whatever Obama is out there? I could be like ObamaGirl but Obama-Relative Girl...
- Would Oprah help? If so, how do I get to her?
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, 'I don’t buy it.' Because I didn’t. He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg him to change his mind.
So he turned mean. 'I don’t like what you’ve become.'
Gut-wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That’s when I really wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn’t. Instead, a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words: 'I don’t buy it.'"
“Huh?” he said.
“Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you’re talking about.”
Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his usual six o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He blew off our entire Fourth of July — the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks — to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy Birthday.”
But I didn’t play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: 'Daddy’s having a hard time as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.' I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.
MY trusted friends were irate on my behalf. 'How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!'
I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem wasn’t mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could solve it."
And, yeah, you can bet I wanted to sit him down and persuade him to stay. To love me. To fight for what we’ve created. You can bet I wanted to.
But I didn’t.
I barbecued. Made lemonade. Set the table for four. Loved him from afar."
"When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: it’s not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Today I turn the age my Mom was when she had me – 26-years-old.
I wonder if it’s a uniquely female thing for that to matter – to arrive at the age your Mom was when she became a mother and go “whoa.”
I like to think of myself as a mature adult -- a fairly together person. I’m proud of myself a coupe times a week. When difficult things come my way I find that I can deal with them sans tantrums. In general I am doing what people would call “well.” Do I act 26? Most of the time. Do I feel 26? Sure, I guess I’d say I do.
But could I have a child at some point during this 26th year of my life? OHMYGODNO. NO NO NO NO NO.
Do I know how to care for a baby? Yes, enough. I have those three little sisters. Would I at 26 – my version of 26, not my Mom’s – destroy the life of a child? No, not at all. I know all my lullabyes. It’s just that 95% of my life would have to change drastically in order to shift from my current mode – let’s call it work/write/drink/eat/fun mode – to bear and care for children mode – I believe that involves saving money/not sleeping/Mom jeans/and an elevator building if not actual back yard.
That, right now, I cannot do because I don't want to.
Not having children is a choice at any age, but so is every piece of the single, 26-year-old lifestyle. At 26 I remain un-beholden to anyone but myself (and my family because I love them, but even that’s a choice). I make decisions every day that affect the kind of 26-year-old I am.
I could write less. I could make more money at a different job. I could spend differently (namely less…). I could be in a relationship (I maintain that most people could be in a relationship if any relationship was the goal). But I would have to adjust lots of little pieces of my life to shift into making those things possible.
No, not everything is planned, but most major decisions come at the cost of something else. I believe these are referred to as sacrifices, but that’s always sounded like such a bummer. Let's call them cause/effects.
The question is when those cause/effects start to shift -- when you know it’s time to put one priority above another-- especially as you're turning the corner on your mid-twenties -- especially now that people are starting to say, "you know, you're not getting any younger.." Was I ever??
As I was thinking about turning 26 – and what my Mom was doing as she was turning 26 (her birthday is in June, so she was doing 7 months pregnant things) I thought about what I’d be willing to give up to get some of the things some other 26-year-olds have. What causes would I take up to effect other results? Would I trade X to have Y or Z? Would I shift my attention from A to B so I could make my way to C? If someone told me I could have _____________, but I’d have to stop my ______________, would I do it?
We are the sum of our choices – trite but true - from as early on as we understand the concept of choice. But I think we sometimes forget that in choosing one thing, we're also choosing not another. This isn't an argument against having "it all" (there's no argument, you can't -- but that's for another day). This is just a newly 26-year-old woman (who still feels like she should be referred to as "girl") realizing what she loves about her life but what she could and might soon leave behind now that with each passing year the future changes focus.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Read. Digest. Judge. Comment.
- Bianca: OMG did you get an email from jessie about # of sex partner
- Olivier: yeah but i forgot to respond
- Bianca: if you liked a girl - and she had slept with 50 dudes - what would you think of that
- Olivier: i would think...seeeee ya later - id stop liking her - what would u think abouta guy with 50?
- Bianca: eh, probs think he was kind of dirty - idk - if someone tells you 50, and thinks there's nothing wrong with that....I mean, come on! be smart enough to lie to me - hahahaha
- Olivier: hahaa - it's different though
- Bianca: because someone could have only 2 - who happen to be like best friends - or sisters - or something - that's dirtier
- Olivier: hahaha yes - regardless of anything, there's a gender difference here - the age old double standard -- and like it or not, it still holds true. So what im getting at is this. If a guy fucks 50 girls, it's like he succeeded -- if a girl does the same, it's like she failed…your’e probably gonna react sharply to that
- Bianca: do you agree wtih that yourself? do you TRULY admire a dude who's slept with tons and tons of girls?!
- Olivier: not in those black and white terms -- but i definitely think about both cases differently. No, i wouldnt say i admire or even aspire to that, but how about this - would you say that if you liked a guy who was a virgin? or slept with only 1 girl - -would that...umm let's use the phrase "turn you off" at least slightly?
- Bianca: ummm not a turn off – but it wouldn't get me all pumped to sleep with them – hahahahha - I think guys wouldn't mind that as much
- Olivier: right, basically the lower # a girl has, the better
- Bianca: it depends
- Olivier: the virgin thing is debatable
- Bianca: a virgin -yikes
- Olivier: the virgin thing is a lifelong debate with valid points on both sides
- Bianca: one girl - a long relationship? could be amazing - it's all just case by case
- Olivier: personally, at this point i wouldnt want a virgin
- Bianca: there'd be a LOT of pressure
- Olivier: but above zero, the lower the better
- Bianca: like, I think I'm more attracted to more laid-back people
- Olivier: and i think i speak for at the very least 99% of all Pierren
- Bianca: I think people's numbers should be based on the last 5 years
- Olivier: so if a guy has a low number -- a too-low number -- that can be undesirable or not great
- Bianca: no no
- Olivier: no? i thought u said yes, in certain terms
- Bianca: well - I guess it depends on the terms, yes -- I don't feel like teaching someone how to do it
- Olivier: right
- Bianca: even tho most guys require that anyway - no offense
- Olivier: but what about the idea that there might be something wrong with him if his # is too low - like, he wasn’t able to get more than 2 girls to sleep with him?? why am i sleeping with him?
- Bianca: I wouldn't think soPierrething's wrong with HIM, but his skills might not be so hot
- Olivier: that thought process doesnt happen?
- Bianca: nah
- Olivier: hmm – interesting
- Bianca: because a dude who's slept with 100s of girls probably just picked up dog
- Olivier: probably, but what about a guy with 15? - vs. a guy with 2-3
- Bianca: I don't know
- Olivier: case by case
- Bianca: I can't answer hypothetical’s -- I don't think rationally if I like someone
- Olivier: fair- hahahaha
- Bianca: I like them - and chances are - I won't like the type of guy who's banged out everyone on the planet - but the diff between 3 and 15 -- eh? Also - I fully expect that everybody lies
- Olivier: ok, this is another topic
- Bianca: I mean maybe not, I just automatically assume people aren't being honest
- Olivier: girls deflate, guys inflate?
- Bianca: about their past -- yeah, probably -- or not – OMG - I just think it's a pointless topic of discussion!! even though we discussed it the other night --- it's futile – OMG I have like a million questions about hte male race
- Olivier: hahahaha
- Bianca: well here's one - if a girl sleeps over - do you expect she's going to sleep with you?
- Olivier: no
- Bianca: see you're a bad example because I feel like you're actually a stand-up guy
- Olivier: well
- Bianca: I want to talk to some dirty asshole who will make me mad!
- Olivier: i dont expect it...but im still disappointed if it doesnt happen - and it also depends on the events up until then
- Bianca: haha but aren't you disappointed if it doesn't happen – like - you always want the end result to be sex - because you're a boy
- Olivier: aaah - well yeah but there's a realistic chance of it happening if she’s sleeping over
- Bianca: what if you like soPierreone and she gives it up right off the bat - turn off? - I say yes
- Olivier: if I like her, yeah - as in - if I like who she is - more than physical - if it's just physical - then no, not a turn off
- Bianca: right - like if you would consider dating her - but then she sleeps with you, deal's off?
- Olivier: i wouldnt rule it out...no, not a dealbreaker - just not ideal - and I’d investigate further
- Bianca: hahahaha - talk about a double standard
- Olivier: yeah - that's a tough one for girls, i admit
- Bianca: see, but I think girls agree with that - like if I like a guy I'm not going to sleep with him - and I know plenty of girls who would want to - but hold out for the very reason they know it'll be a turn-off
- Olivier: yeah, sure - but if he likes you back, then he'll like you more -- and it’ll eventually happen -- if u both like each other
- Bianca: exactly - well it's kind of true what your mom always tells you -- like don't give up the cow thing
- Olivier: if he doesnt like u back, then hes prob still going to try to sleep with you anyway, at least one more shot, and then maybe youll sleep with him -- so worst case, u end up having sex either way – wait -- the cow thing?? - what's that?
- Bianca: he won't buy the cow if he can get the milk for free
- Olivier: hahahahhaahhhhahahahahahhaa -- wow
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
That being said, I upheld this personal philosophy with my current boyfriend for a good 6 months. Right or wrong, it was only after than long that I knew I could handle knowing his number without going apeshit. (Perhaps noteworthy that I had gathered his number was much higher than mine.) So, I ballparked his number high, and then when I asked, it was lower! Everyone wins. And I was confident enough in our relationship that I knew he only wanted to be with me, blah blah blah.
The more I think about it, though, the more I think a person's history is their history, and if I fall in love with someone, I fall in love with the whole package. So as I said above, many sex partners wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me even today, but it would be a signal to me to initiate a conversation about our attitudes toward sex.
So, I guess my answer is "Yes, eventually," but I don't think I would take their answer account anymore in my decision whether or not to seriously proceed with them. That being said, if their answer was more than 20, I would probably have some follow-up questions. 20 is somewhat arbitrary, and does sound like an awful lot, but I just feel like guys sleep around a lot!
Monday, August 3, 2009
As promised, the first in a series of follows-ups from the halvsies post last week. Thank you for your patience Greenberg.
I reached out to 10 guys and 10 girls on the issue of whether or not to share your sex number with your significant number. Exactly half of the people (who responded….) reported that they strictly follow the Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell policy. Here are a few of their rationales:
26, in a serious committed relationship.
I do not want to know, nor will I ask my girlfriend about how many people she has slept with. It doesn't really matter. It's not something I can control, and it could potentially, for no reason, affect the way I look at her because without meaning to we all set expectations for the person we're dating. If the number is big, what am I supposed to do about it? And if it's miniscule, unless she is self-conscious about it, I have trouble seeing how it will help the relationship or my state of mind to know. If she wanted to talk about it, then I wouldn't challenge her desire to tell me, but it would never be something I'd ask for.
Plus, I do not have a list or a number myself. I neither am ashamed nor proud of having slept with a certain number of people. Each is an individual case/circumstance, so to be able to judge something by simply a number would be... unfair, I guess is the best way to put it. If the girl I was dating was healthy, faithful, and had slept with 500 people, what does that say about her? I don't have an answer.
I make it a policy never to ask that question. In fact, I'd go so far as to include "never discuss how many sexual partners either party has had in the past" as one of my relationship 10 commandments. I'd probably place it pretty high on the list.
Reasoning, in the form of bullets:
First and foremost, what is there to gain from this? You gain a little insight into your partner's sexual history. I suppose that's useful in the sense that it probably indicates something about what type of person he is, but I think there are much better and less stressful ways to glean a person's sexual philosophy and certainly better ways to figure out what type of person he is.
What if the number is (much) higher than yours? Then maybe you feel inadequate. Maybe you feel threatened by that. Maybe you think he/she's a manwhore/slut. If you like everything else about the person, why risk marring it with something that *probably* isn't all that consequential (I'm making the assumption here that, while you probably make judgments about people based on sexual history, etc., it's probably not really part of your fundamental value system - i.e., a deal breaker. Maybe it is though...)
What if the number is (much) lower than yours? Now maybe you feel self conscious about your own promiscuity. Maybe now you worry that the other person will eventually drop you because they want to experiment more.
(Those last two bullets probably scream "INSECURITY HERE!" but I think in terms of this particular topic, everyone is a little insecure.)
We often say that there are certain things you really can't take back, so you should be careful what you say to people. I think this is a similar situation. You can't un-ring this bell. Once you know each other's numbers, you have to deal with the consequences.
Also - In the case that you were friends with the person before you were dating, you probably know a decent amount about his sexual history. So if you find out the exact number and it's a couple off from where you thought it was, you'll kill yourself wondering who the others are (at least you will if you're obsessive like me). Or if it's *much* higher, you'll be weirded out that this person was keeping so many secrets from you.
As I said, I make it a rule never to ask, and I also make it a rule never to tell. My fiancé has actually tried to bring it up before, and I've always said "I don't think it would be good for our relationship to discuss it. I don't know anything about your sexual history (other than obvious boyfriends) and you don't know anything about mine (other than obvious girlfriends). Why don't we just keep it that way and enjoy our own sexual relationship and never have to worry about thinking about this stuff?"
That being said, if she *really* pushed for it, I would tell her. But I still wouldn't want to know.
And 26, single
No, because I wouldn't want her to ask me. Then I have to lie to make myself not seem like a douche :)
You’d think the don’t ask don’t tell policy would be put in place because “who cares” but much like the actual version -- it's because they do -- very much. They’re uncertain about what meaning their partner’s sex number holds, but acknowledge that that meaning, while not founded in logic or really anything concrete, holds the power to unnecessarily affect the relationship. Don’t ask don’t tell is both a preventative measure and a trust issue. It’s saying, I don’t want something we can’t control and don’t really know how to appropriately value come between us and also, I trust that you want to be with me and that our sexual relationship is now the only one that matters.
Of course to some people omissions are more problematic than truths, for a lot of reasons.
Their rationale’s on Wednesday. Tomorrow – one very candid convo between two people trying to make sense of this issue.