Friday, June 12, 2009

An Open (apology) Letter to John Legend

Dear John Legend -- arguably one of the greatest musicians of our time,

I'm writing to clear the air around the unfortunate circumstances of our meeting several weeks ago.

See -- prior to running into you at The Eldridge I drank two lychee martinis, one Red Bull vodka, two vodka sodas, and some new fitness water that claims to make you feel very sexy on a stomach full of one sushi roll, no avocado. This was coupled with the fact that it was my first night out with a publicist for an article I was writing on how publicists make people famous. That makes me black out Betty and in a scene I have no business in with people who could buy and sell me over lunch at wherever those people have lunch.

So when I met you and acted like I 100% did not know who you were it wasn't because I was trying to be rude or weird, it's because said publicist had yet to coach me in the ways of interfacing with a celebrity, while drunk. That lesson came the following day and went something like this:

  • Her: So you met John Legend! That's huge! What did you guys talk about?
  • Me: Weeelll.... I think I may have erred.
  • Her: What does that mean?
  • Me: Made an error.
  • Her: Right.
  • Me: See I thought it would be better to not be all up on him and his fame and his music and instead pretend I just didn't know who he was -- like maybe I just didn't recognize him sos to give him the feeling that he can slip in and out of fame because isn't that what famous people want?
  • Her: No.
  • Me: Right.
  • Her: So you're saying you introduced yourself to him and then what?
  • Me: Then I asked him what his name was?
  • Her: Jesus Christ...
  • Me: And then I asked him what he did...
  • Her: You did not...
  • Me: And then when he said, "I'm in the music business," I said, "In what realm?"
  • Her: close was I standing to you when this happened?...
  • Me: And he said, "performer," and theeennn I thought maybe this was the wrong approach...
  • Her: It was.
  • Me: Right.
  • Her: Okay, then what?
  • Me: Well he sort of turned away so I took that as a clue and just updated by Facebook status, posted a tweet, and snapped a quick BB photo of him before escaping to the bathroom.
  • Her: Right. Okay. So we'll talk about how to fix that for next time.
  • Me: Do you think I'll meet him again?!
  • Her: I really hope not.
Clearly I meant no disrespect. It was just star-struck jitters and that sexy-feeling juice

Aside from Debbie Harry who I ran directly up to and hugged and Rider Strong (Sean from Boy Meets World, but you should know that) who I suggested consider a chance from the butt cut, I've never had the occassion to chat one-on-one with a celebrity. That's probably a good thing.
So - I've given it a lot of thought and think the best course of action for us is to go on a date so I can repay you for any shame caused to your ego and/or career. I'm thinking dinner somewhere I can afford, but if you'd like to pay we can go somewhere where you're comfortable being photographed.

I've asked the publicist I was working with to set that up for us, but she said no so I'm hoping we we serendipitously (but will it really be?...) meet again soon so I can sing you my favorite lyrics of your songs (as if there's even enough time in one night for that...) and hear about all your upcoming plans in the music business, as a performer.

All my love,


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