do guys actually want a girl with
a certain degree of crazy?
The questions comes to us from Laura, Kate and Eva of Chicago. In their words (that I've edited so they don't get screwed):
"We developed a theory that, as much as men say they want a normal, well-adjusted woman, they secretly crave the drama of a crazy girl. We have a guy friend who complains endlessly about how crazy his girlfriend is (reads his email, constantly calls, gets really jealous and suspicious, and also has a bit of OCD about cleaning) and how much he hates it, yet he never breaks up with her. Our only guess as to why guys want a crazy girl is either guys get bored with normal, well-adjusted women OR that the normalcy is perceived as indifference/not caring/lack of a spark."
Do guys secretly want a more high maintenance girl? And if so -- why?
Yes -- I think they often do -- but we need to define crazy here. The way I see it there's general crazy and freak switch crazy.
General crazy: calls all the time to check up on the boyfriend, insists he wear what she wants him to wear to the party, loses it the minute he so much as looks at another girl, etc. In my observation something like 75% of girls are like this. They occupy a category my friend Joe calls "broads." More on that and Joe eventually.
Freak switch crazy is different. That's checks his emails twice a day to make sure he's not corresponding with anyone questionable, calls his Mom the minute he doesn't call her back to see if she knows where he is, throws away the clothes of his she doesn't like without telling him, etc. I believe 50% of girls would like to do all of the above but owing to self control and the law only 10 maybe 15% actually do. (I know that doesn't add up to 100. There's a third category Joe has defined the "broad hybrid" -- jackpot topic for another day)
General crazy and freak switch crazy. Both are too controlling, high maintenance and would drive me off a cliff if I were the boyfriend, but time and time again you see guys cow-tailing to the women driving these relationships instead of seeking out a more Winnie Cooper like option (she didn't quite have the spunk of a broad hybrid, but she's close)? Why?
I think it's because the more low maintenance and un-crazy the girl the less confident a guy is in her feelings for him.
A low maintenance more hands-off girl tends to take care of herself, give her guy a lot of independence, and not stress about the small stuff. That can look and feel a lot like apathy if you're a less-than-confident guy. You read, "she doesn't freak out when I don't call" as "she doesn't care." You might think, "she doesn't care if I talk to other girls?!" as "then she's probably talking to other guys!!" Or "she doesn't want to instantly be my Mom and Aunt and cousin and female neighbor's new best friend" as "she doesn't like my family."
Guys like (need?) to be needed. And though most will complain about what that neediness and possessiveness looks and feels like, the alternative is too scary for most of them. Having to question if she even needs you at all? Wondering if she's going to leave you in a second for someone better? That lack of clarity doesn't sit well. You don't have to question the commitment of a girl who stalker calls you until you pick up. There's no "is she really into me?" when she absolutely insists you switch to a full soy diet so you can live as long as possible. And I have been told that there's nothing quite as cool as your girlfriend starting a cat fight with whomever's making sexy eyes at you from across the bar.
Is it every guy? No. Are there varying degrees of both crazy and low maintenance? Of course. And does it mean turning the freak switch on is the best way to hook a full-time man? Don't do that. But it does explain why "those girls" tend to always have a committed guy on their arm -- maybe even the guy who was previously committed to the very low-key and easy-going you? Yes. In my opinion.
Friday -- the male response.
Until then -- thanks Laura, Eva and Kate! And you too can have your first name and an edited version of your own words featured! Comments, suggestions, book deal offers: 20Nothings@gmail.com.