Monday, December 22, 2008

Uncle Yenta and the Natty Light

Katie, Abby and I go out last Thursday for a series of drinks. Our plan is to go to Rolf’s, the famous German bar/restaurant in Gramercy that’s become as popular a holiday stop as the Rock Center tree. It’s decorated to feel like you’re standing inside a Christmas tree -- wall to wall garland, millions of sparkly lights. Ornaments everywhere. Essentially my wonderland.

Unfortunately Rolf’s is exactly as crowded as the Rock Center tree, so we run across the street to Black Bear Lodge.

Black Bear Lodge is similarly decorated in theme. Different theme. Same intensity. Real log walls, antler chandeliers, taxidermy everywhere, buckets of PBR for rock bottom prices.
  • Katie: You know what we’re going to find here…
  • Me: Yes.
We walk in to the after party of some Deutche Bank division -- one of the ones where people work “on a desk” as if the rest of us are sitting around on futons or gathered at dining room tables from 9-6. Jack pot.

Abby proceeds to do what any money conscious, un-snooty beer-drinker would: order a bucket of Natty Lights.
We have our moments, but are not by nature girly girls. This shit tastes the same as most other shit in a can – not great. That doesn’t generally matter very much to us on a random Thursday night. We like to think of ourselves as what my good friend Joe would call "broad-hybrids." More on that sometime soon.

The minute our bucket arrives some old-ish banker man throws us a 30 second party. “WHOA! Look. At. This. Look what we have here! These girls ordered Natty Light. Natty LIGHT. These. Are. Women. Would you look over here!” It was embarassing and yet amazing. People looked. We smiled. Boom. Bar fame.

Some time passes. We finish bucket #1 and do what any set of three girls in a room full of drunk bankers would - order another.
Again, our #1 fan screams our praises (literally. screaming.). This time - he takes it one giant step further.
Look at you three,” he says, “Let’s go find you some boys. Look at this place. There are tons of them.”

This situation is unprecedented. Never before have we met a man who insists on doing our work for us. He knows some people in the room. He has the access. He won't take no for an answer. We weren't saying no anyway.
He walks right up to some tall blue-button-down-and-glasses type and says, "You - look over there. That's what you're missing. If you're as much a man as you seem you'll walk right over there and talk to one of those girls."
Prior to his offer our plan was to stand around smiling and laughing, Natty Light labels prominently faced outward, until we seemed drunk enough to shift into sexy eye mode. So his offer would speed things up considerably.
It bears mentioning here that uncle yenta was gayer than Easter. He spoke of a set of 9- year-old triplets and a wife in Westchester, but when I asked him what he did for a living he lied and said, “I distribute sequins for designer gowns.” That’s a direct quote. Ask Katie.

After making a few too-drunk pitches for our candidacy he decides he and his "friend" have to leave for McSorley's immediately. "You're coming," he says, "there are more of these boys there. Let's go. Come on. Get in a cab. No? Why? Well. Okay. Well see you in 10 minutes then. There. At McSorley's where there are more boys like this." And away he saunters, royal purple cashmere scarf tucked neatly into his Brooks Brothers coat.
He was too drunk to be an effective sales person on our behalves, but the intention was genuine and much appreciated.
This is certainly not the first time someone's offered to set any of the three of us up. But it is the first time someone has offered to do it live, without really knowing us, on account of our choice of beverage.
So with this we've officially added two more "tactics" to the ever growing list of ways to meet men.
Whenever available, order Natural Light - bucket form is best for exposure.

And never underestimate the power of a drunk, friendly older man in a bar setting - especially if he controls the salaries of most of the boys in a room.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Overheard in an elevator

I'm at the elevator bank of this random building on 22nd street yesterday afternoon.
On the floor are two offices - the one I was at and this vague marketing company with a really nice font on their door. It's fonts like those that really set you apart, I thought.

Out of the nice-font-office door walk two girls. One in normal prep girl clothing (winter white pants, pink J. Crew scarf, purple striped button down, grey coat, headband) and one dressed like what Christina Aguilera would wear if she were being a chic vampire for Halloween (leather leggings, 8 inch stilhettos, a sort black trench coat with a ballerina tutu under it combo, blue/black hair, blood red lipstick).

Vamp and Prep are mid conversation about something I assumed applied to work.

  • Vamp: Matt was telling me about this case study he recent read on China.
  • Prep: Mmm yeah?
  • Vamp: I can't remember what it's called - some pavlov or machiavelli? no - I don't know - it have some name, this maxim - this theory but it's totally tested....
  • Prep: Hhmm. I don't know either.
  • Vamp: Right - that shit's impossible to remember
  • Prep: Mmmm.
  • Vamp: So anyway it goes like - because the people in China had no food, they couldn't focus on anything but getting food. And so the society couldn't progress because they were stuck, because they were starved.
  • Prep: Whoa.
  • Vamp: Yeah - but it like makes total sense. They can't be cultured or interesting or progressive because they're so hungry. Because of the government.
  • Prep: God that's so bad.
  • Vamp: I knoooow.

At this point we're all in the elevator together. I'm listening because I can't not listen. And, I'll be honest, I have hopes this tested starvation maxim theory case study is going to link to some piece of marketing genius. I'm telling you, that font was really something...
Then - this.
  • Vamp: So it just completely made me realize something.
I damn near turned to her and said, "what?! what did it make you realize?!!"

  • Vamp: I am being starved emotionally just like the people in China were starved for food!!!
  • Prep: Mmmm.
  • Vamp: Nick is starving me emoootionally JUST like those chinese people were starved for food. And I can't think about anything else - not work, not my laundry, not Christmas presents, not anything because I'm so hungry. You know!?
As my friend Chris often says (electronically) - dihwrutgbdkidetroyhtha?!?!?!
It took everything I had not to turn to her and say, "No - no I don't know. Can you run through that one more time so I can fully confirm it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard?" Luckily Prep handled it.

  • Prep: Ummm, I'm not sure I get that.
  • Vamp: Ugh me neither. I think I need to talk to Matt about it. He read that case study more carefully. What do you want to eat? I'm so hungry!

This time I couldn't help it. I just laughed outloud.
She didn't even look my way. Guess she really is trapped in that chamber of nothingness by the Big Brother tactics of Nick her Chinese government.
She should seek asylum. Literally.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Why We Hook Up

More on the reign of the hook up.

Like the date – in order to understand why everyone is hooking up these days we should probably take a look at why one person does. What motivates a person to hook up?

Some friends and I discussed electronically. With their feedback - and consideration of all the rationale and over-analysis and alcohol - I think it all boils down to four things.

People hook up because:

  1. It is sexually pleasurable. We are biologically pre-disposed to engage in sexual acts, so it’s no surprise that people choose to hook up for this reason and sometimes this reason alone. Inhibition (in whatever form: low self-confidence, no access, religious morals) can cut instinct, but alcohol crushes inhibition every time.
  2. It makes them feel good/better/best about themselves. The feeling of empowerment/self-worth derived from confirmation that someone is attracted to you to the point of hooking up cannot be denied. Point blank period.
  3. They believe it will help something go somewhere with someone. This seems vague because it is vague. It’s like – yes, there is some sexual desire. And yes, I’ll feel great about myself as a result of this. But ultimately if you told me I’d get no sexual pleasure and, frankly, I already feel pretty great about myself, I’d still hook up with this person because I think it will help me keep their favor and maybe eventually date them. Yes I could give ______ my number and hope ______ calls, but I really want this one. _____ needs to know I'm not fucking around. Well. Right. Still. More on this later.
  4. They are trying to hurt someone else. Revenge hook ups. Mind fuck hook ups. Hook ups to prove a point. Hook ups to confirm someone is/is not gay. Wild cards, but they do exist and therefore must be counted.
That’s it – four buckets. We ran through a million scenarios trying to come up with a fifth, but couldn't. Scenarios like:

What about people who hook up after they break up?
It’s either a 1., 3. or 4. Depending on how good the sex was, if they want to get back together, and how pissed they were when they broke up.

But where do serial hook ups with one person you’re not in a relationship with go? My guess – 1. For the guy, 3. For the girl.

And my favorite :
  • listen, I'm just having a little fun. What category does that fall under?
  • 1.
  • But I like her...
  • 1.
  • And maybe I want to date her...
  • Uh-huh 1.
  • I don't think it's as simple as that...
  • oops - sorry - quick meeting! brb!
What came up again and again is that it's just not as simple as one number.
Maybe not. But what if we thought of each hook up through the lens of these four buckets. And so with each hook up we considered if we'd still do it even though we were 100% certain we wouldn't get certain results:

  1. So if you knew it wouldn't feel good and wouldn't result in a relationship and you weren't out to hurt anyone - would you still hook up just because it makes you feel good about yourself? That's the 2.

  2. Or if you knew you'd feel like shit about yourself because you were hurting someone who you want no relationship with, would you still do it for the pleasure? And the 1.

  3. And say you knew it wasn't pleasurable, that in the past it hasn't made you feel good about yourself and that you weren't out to hurt anyone, would you still do it because you think it might get you to a relationship? Aaannddd 3.
No it's not cut and dry. Yes the bottom line here is hard to find. I'm not in any way saying you should go look at yourself in the bar bathroom mirror and evaluate your evening conquest by my made-up four numbers.

But when I look back and think about the characters from my past - they do start to fall annoyingly into one of these four places...

So, I know why I hook up. Question is - what's that worth?

Monday, December 15, 2008

Perhaps the best way to figure out why people don’t date is to figure out why they do.

It is rare that people (who are sober) do things without some rationale or motivation. And sober rationale comes in two, basic forms: need-based (like food) and want-based (like shoes). So logic holds that if we figure out what needs and wants motivate people to go on dates that we can figure out where said needs are being met and wants being squelched thus un-inspiring people to go on date – un-inspiring being the key word here (aside from dates).

We know that dating can be awkward – we grew up with ElimiDate. And we’re not just doing this for the campfire stories. Campfires are over.

We’ve got to have a reason – and that reason's got to be good enough to beat out five hours of DVR-ed television. Here is what I’ve come up with.

People go on dates because:

1. They want people to pay for their dinner.
“I go on a lot of dates,” said one girl I am acquainted with. “It’s fun to meet new guys and everyone loves free dinner.”

You scoff. I scoff too. But then you think to yourself, “But I do love me a free dinner” – and I do too.

2. They want to have sex.

Not guaranteed, of course, but it’ll get you a hell of a lot closer than DVR-ed (network...) television

3. They believe it is how you get a boyfriend and/or girlfriend.

In tales of yore people began what developed into committed relationships by going on dates. This still happens in some places, sometimes. More on that eventually.

4. They want to practice going on dates so they’re ready when someone great comes along.

We’ve been through this. I concede that if people believe you should practice, then those people practice.

5. They are forced to.

Plain, simple, effective. Some Mom/friend/co-worker/therapist says, “you haaave to go out with this person – I already told them aaall about you.” And then it becomes more annoying not to go than to just go.

6. They are very bored slash lonely.

This one is complicated. There are people out there who are not looking for sex or a potential relationship but still want to go on dates because it fills their time with conversation/attention/maybe affection. Right. That’s actually not so complicated.

Now let's put on our 2008 glasses and take a closer look:

Free dinner. It remains, to a degree, but the gender income divide is closing. Plus New York mag and Time Out NY put out those really user-friend cheap eats guides at least twice a year. People don’t need as much free dinner.

They want to save sex. You can get sex without the date. You can get sex without the date. (.............)

It gets you a gf/bf. It can. It certainly has. But let's remember that motivations are based in tested logic. People do things because they believe they will work. You’re thirsty and so you drink some water because every time you drink water you feel less thirsty. But the last five to ten times you drank some water it didn't make you any less thirsty? You might be less inspired to drink water. You might switch to juice - or in this metaphorical

Dating practice. This is chicken and egg. If you don’t believe dating will find you a gf/bf then you probably don’t think you need to practice doing it.

They are forced to. This remains to a degree, but we of the Whatever generation have mastered saying no – especially to our parents.

Bored/Lonely. Maybe this is my inner NYer talking, but I think we’re less bored and less lonely than we’ve ever been. Friends are a gchat away. Facebook is open 24/7. We’re more connected and over-extended than ever. If anything, I think we’re too un-bored and un-lonely to realize we could (dare I say should…) be dating.

Every point has a counter point. And, due to the many reasons here within discussed, I think the sometimes-scary prospect of a date has racked up more nays than yays.

We don’t date because we don’t really need to as much. Yes, some of us want to. Sure, others feel they need to. Neither of those things is wrong. But for many of us, at 17 and 21 and 25 and 30 – there isn’t enough concrete, inspiring reason for us to go out and make it happen.
Tomorrow - puzzle piece 2. Why do people hook up?

The death of dating

It’s official. The New York Times has printed it.

“Hooking up is here to stay." Dating is endangered.

Per usual, they’re 3-4 years late.

The writer no doubt means well. He just wants to sound the alarm that hooking up is not a trend or blip or fluke, but now a deeply embedded cultural norm. They have scientists testing it. It’s really happening people. Dating as we - well - never really knew it - is dead.

In it’s place, the hook up - what the writer defines as “a casual sexual encounter with no expectation of future emotional commitment. Think of it as a one-night stand with someone you know.”

The scientific people he talked to shed a little light on the how we’re behaving…

“Under the old model, you dated a few times and, if you really liked the person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date.”

The fact that it’s not all bad…

“The pros are that hooking up emphasizes group friendships over the one-pair model of dating, and, therefore, removes the negative stigma from those who can’t get a date.”

Just mostly bad…

The cons center on the issues of gender inequity. Girls get tired of hooking up because they want it to lead to a relationship (the guys don’t), and, as they get older, they start to realize that it’s not a good way to find a spouse. Also, there’s an increased likelihood of sexual assaults because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol.

And that three to five very vague “factors” are to blame

“…the collapse of advanced planning, lopsided gender ratios on campus, delaying marriage, relaxing values and sheer momentum.

So where does this leave us?

“It used to be that you were trained your whole life to date,” said Ms. Bogle. “Now we’ve lost that ability — the ability to just ask someone out and get to know them.”


Nothing the writer says is wrong. Hook up culture is rampant. Dating is challenged, if not extinct. And though sort of progressive and fascinating, the state of things is mostly just sad.

It's good to know that people with advanced degrees are paying attention to the issue. But like most writings on this now very trendy subject, it doesn’t go far enough.

For starters if you surveyed 100 people they’d describe hooking up in a dozen different ways. Yes it’s a “casual sexual encounter”, they’d mostly agree, but the “no future intention of emotional engagement” depends on who you ask – and if they’re a girl.

That same 100 people would probably have at least a dozen different motivations for hooking up and just as many opinions on if it’s good or bad.

And on the issue of why we got ourselves into this mess in the first place – I’m going to need something more descriptive than the collapse of advanced planning and sheer momentum.

I’m glad professors and writers and The New York Times is ready to talk about it. But I’m afraid none of them are asking the right people the right questions. Questions like – how many people are hooking up because they think they have to versus actually want to? Who is still dating and what makes them different and where do they live? Is hooking up really here to stay, or could conventional dating swing back into favor? And who started it all in the first place?

We are the people who invented the turkducken . We should be able to figure at least some of this out.

Stay tuned.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Seeking "Roommate" for Spacious Sublet

I recently met a girl with a pretty incredible “how we met” story. And that’s coming from me.

It all started because she needed to sublet one bedroom of the three-bedroom she lived in. So she did what any New Yorker would do – she posted it on Craiglist.

(For my foreign friends – Craiglists is like the phone book on crack -- online ,except in place of business-created business listings they feature people-posted anything-you-could-ever-image listings, plus. Probably best to check it out.)

The girl consulted with her roommate and create a posting that best represented their place and their ideal lifestyle. Plenty of light, high ceilings, great neighborhood – clean and conscientious, no pets, parties but not too much -- the typical 27-year-old living in Gramercy routine. What they mistakenly left out was gender.

You see where this is going.

This girl got responses from hundreds of people – a mix of guys and girls. She read them, considered the potential personality and gave call-backs to the people in top consideration. She and her roommate agreed they would consider either gender.

Among the call-backs was this guy.

He was clean and conscientious. He didn’t have any pets. He partied, but not too much. And he was looking for just that kind of light and just those kind of ceilings in just that kind of neighborhood. 

This girl and that guy got together for the kind of “get to know each other” coffee date that turned into a  "yeah I'm hungry too, let's just grab dinner" dinner that ended in a “was that a kiss-kiss?", kiss goodnight.

“You know that sort of thing doesn’t happen very often,” she said to me, “I mean, really, what are the chances?!

“Sister, you are preaching to the choir,” I said.

There was no doubt he would have made an excellent roommate by any standards, but this girl had tons of potential roommates to choose from. What she didn’t have were tons of clean and conscientious guys maybe kiss-kissing her goodnight.

The next day she called him and explained that they'd decided to go with a female roommate for a lot of reasons. But, she said, it was really great to meet you and I had a fantastic time last night and would you maybe want to get together again sometime soon?

“Honestly,” she told me, “I didn’t give him the room because I wanted to date him.”

“Oh, I know that,” I said.

Now, logic would lead you to believe he’d completely understand their desire to live with a third girl. It might also leave you thinking, sure, this guy spent a whole night with her ending in what may have been a romantic gesture – of course he’d want to get another drink with her. This is Manhattan, you might think -- clean and conscientious girls are hard to find.

Well you’d be right about one thing, and sadly one thing alone. This is Manhattan.

Dude was so furious that she refused him that nice-sized room in that really cheap apartment on that totally convenient street that he refused her a second slash first date.

“He was all, ‘how could you so selfishly deny me affordable housing at a time like this and then think I’d ever date you!’” she told me, “I mean – I was shocked. We really hit it off!”

“Well,” I said, “people taking apartments pretty seriously here….”

“Yeah,” she said, “the whole thing was just totally unbelievable.”

But Hhmm, I thought, as I retold this story to everyone I know and some people I quite frankly don’t. 

Was it really that unbelievable? She posted an ad seeking someone she described in great detail. Sure he was intended to be a roommate, but she wanted the same qualities in him as she would in a boyfriend. 

A list of candidates responded. Among them was, not surprisingly, a great guy who fit her list of “musts”. 
They hit it off. If not for the housing issue they might have gone out again and, who knows from there.

He happened to be more desperate for that apartment than she’d have imagined, but what if he wasn’t?  What if it had actually worked out? 

Simple logic would suggest it could work out again – with a different listing – for a different apartment – real or...otherwise…

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

House parties: confirmed

I realize that without proper testing of theories discussed here within, this blog would be worthless.

And so:

I went to a house party this past weekend and met 8, maybe 10 men.

Endless factors present at the event contributed to my meeting these men in a non-awkward way. People flat-out introduced me to them. They flat-out introduced themselves to me. The degree to which it was not-at-all uncomfortable was, frankly, uncomfortable.

I then had casual conversations with said men that helped me assess whether or not I would be interested in dating them (Yeah, I'm a professional poker player so I basically sit on the couch all day and win money). I shared significant information about myself as an offering of ample insight into whether or not they would be interested in dating me (so, any plans to go to the inauguration?! I cannot wait! We're finally saved!)

Several items came up that could easily have translated to invitations to hang out again (You love Benny’s Burritos?! I love Benny’s Burrito’s too!).

I consumed enough cups of cheer to render me comfortable making any number of forward, romantic moves confirming my interest in the men (I generally start with a lot of touching of the arm I'm closest to and proceed from there). Same goes for them.

Ultimately the scenario did not offer a match, but I can, with confidence, confirm that the theory is true.

A house party is viral territory.

Go to every single one you’re invited to from here on out. Or, in my case this past weekend, one’s your not.

BUT - for the love of God - enough with the Beirut. Making Beirut the central activity of an adult party is like preparing food for 1/3 of your dinner guests. Feed everyone. Play flip cup.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

It's not that he doesn't like you - it's that he does...too much

“So there’s this blog post I need you to write.” says one male friend over gchat last week.

Need me to write?,” I say, “Wow – what’s the issue.”

“I mean not need like so I can make something happen. It’s just I think it should be said.”

“Alright,” I say, “lay it on me.”

“Okay. I want you to write about how sometimes you can actually like a girl too much.”

“I’m sorry – what?”

“Like there are times when you can’t date a girl because you like her too much.”

“I’m still sorry – whaat?”

“I’m saying there are girls you don’t want to date because you don’t like them. But there are also girls you don’t want to date – no – it’s more like you can’t date them – because you do like them, too much.”

“So you like them but they don’t like you back you mean?”

“No no – you like her and you’re pretty sure she likes you but you still can’t date her because she’s like too good – you like her too much.”

“Okay – now I’m not sorry. That makes no fucking sense.”

“No no – listen. It’s like – you know that book all girls always talk about?”

“Pride and Prejudice?”

“No – the other one – the Sex and the City one?”

“Ha. Valid – it's called He’s Just Not That Into You.”

“Yeah, right, that. I’m saying that sometimes he’s too into you to date you because a lot of things could go wrong and it’s too much.”

“I think I’m starting to follow…”

“Right – good. So it’s like you like her a ton and you know she likes you and it could maybe work out but she’s just – I don’t know – great – and so you just can’t go there.”

“See, now you’ve lost me again.”

“I’m serious. I’m in this situation right now. I fucking like this girl too much.”

“Okay. Let me see if I understand what you’re saying. You know a girl who you like – too much, apparently. You know she likes you back. You think it could really work out between you two. But you cannot make it happen because it could be “too much.”


“Okay. Well I can’t write about that.”

What?! Why not?”

“The blog is a place of sense-making. That doesn't .

“Dude it’s not bullshit. I’m telling you. It’s happening to me right now. I think this girl is really hot and funny and smart and she’s cool to hang out with and it’s all good but there’s no way I could make it anything more because of a lot of issues”

“What kind of issues?”

“Well like because she’s so great there’s a big chance I’ll fuck it up. And it would suck too much to fuck it up with this girl. So I can’t go there.”

“Right. Okay, but that’s only one issue."


"You being afraid.”

“Whatever -- I mean yeah a little maybe, but it’s also even if I wasn’t afraid the timing just isn’t right.”

“Why not?”

“It just isn’t right for me.”

“Oh, okay. I see now.”

“Are you being sarcastic?"

"Yes, very."

"Listen – fine - I can’t totally explain this, but I want you to write about it because I feel bad.”

“Now you feel bad about liking her too much? Get a hold of yourself!”

“No it’s just I feel bad because she probably thinks I don’t like her because I don’t make any moves and kinda make it seem like I don’t want anything to happen between us. And, I mean, I do that because I really don’t want anything to happen because of the issues, you know – but it’s not because I don’t like her. It’s because I do like her.”

“So let me make sure I have this straight. You want me to write a post letting girls know that sometimes the guy they really like and are pretty sure likes them isn't making a move because he likes them too much to handle actually being with them?”

"YES! That's exactly it."

"And so therefore they should not feel bad about themselves because they've done nothing wrong outside of being too awesome."

"Yeah - good - that's good - include that line."
“Wow. I thought I'd heard it all...This really is -- interesting. I don't really know what to say...I mean I guess thank you for this idea.”

“Yeah – good - you're welcome - I thought this would be good.”

“So would you like me to publish your name with this post so that woman kind can know who to thank?”

“Oh no, you can’t.”

“Why not? I mean if what you say is true then you’re really saving the self confidence of a lot of girls out there who think there’s something wrong with them when really, there’s just something wrong with you. Something very wrong.”

“True, but you still can’t. I'm pretty sure she reads your blog too.”
"But isn't that the point!? For her to read it and feel better about the whole situation?"

"Shit - right. I don't know though - then she'll probly know it's me."

"Again - I thought this was the point. For her to understand this very complicated situation you're in and not hate you."

"Right. Still. That could go badly. Yeah. Okay. It's too much. Nevermind. Thanks anyway."

*this conversation was liften in its entirety, with permission

Monday, December 8, 2008

The blog is one year old today.

12 months and 156 posts later, I'm pretty much sold on the idea.

I'm still adjusting to conversations that go:
  • Me: So I met this guy recently.
  • Most people: I know. I read about it. And I don't think you should have let him get away with Facebooking you to get your number.
  • Me: Right.
But I can't say it hasn't all been worth it. I like to think we've all learned some undeniably significant things about me, some of my family, my friends who let me use their real names, and the way the world often does but really should work.

Today - a look back at the Top 10 lessons learned:

  1. Despite popular belief - there are actually five excellent places you can meet someone in Manhattan. Here. Are. Your. Current. Options.

  2. West African dancing is an excellent way to relieve stress

  3. Anything you need to know about a potential love interest can be determined by the way they played The Oregon Trail

  4. These days it's not so easy to define a slut

  5. Just because you don't think you're in a relationship doesn't mean you're not

  6. I am officially out of college, way out

  7. The manner in which girls use phones to communicate is completely opposite that of guys.

  8. There are actually several reasons girls go for assholes, but none of them are legitimate

  9. Whitney Houston is the Bob Dylan of our generation

  10. And, it's not your fault you always fall for the wrong guys. It's your birth control.

I think we're making excellent progress. And while Socratese had a point about real knowledge coming when we can admit we know nothing at all, I prefer the philosophy of one phenomenal set of Swedes:

Life IS demanding without understanding...

I'll keep going until we figure it all out.

Thank you for reading. Keep the comments coming.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Noticin' you / noticin' me

I'm sure I've touch on this before, but I want to be sure we're all clear.

A well-executed sexy eye is among the most effective means to begin communication in a bar or like setting. This has been extensively tested.

While the sexy eye is a very personal thing, it should run exactly the same in most North American circumstances:

  • Eye lock on the subject of interest
  • Narrowing and intensifying of the eye for a closer, purposeful look
  • "Tasteful" liiiingering on the subject to be clear this is not "do I know you?" but rather "can I know you...?"
  • Tiny no-teeth smile and an almost indistinguishable sift of the eye accomplishing a quick up-and-down
  • And the coy turnaway.
Wait ten minutes. Grab a drink. Do a little cute dance on or near the dance floor, and then re-engage in the eye with the same subject substituting the narrowing-for-a-closer-look with more lingering.
The real beauty of the sexy eye is the very clear intention it communicates without you having to awkwardly say something:
  • Hhmmm. I think I like your face and/or entire situation...
  • MMmm, yes as I make my eyes look sexy I also narrow them to take a closer look and see that I in fact do very much like your face and general situation
  • Because I like what I see I'm going to look at you for awhile in a non-creepy manner to let you know that I like what I see so you'll perhaps come over and talk to me.
  • In case you're not quite getting the drift I'll provide a little smile that says "access granted" and then focus my eyes a tiny bit more to make them as clearly sexy as possible while also giving one final up-and-down so we're both clear here
  • Buut because cannot be 100% sure you'll like me back, so I have to turn away and better evaluate how you might feel about me by engaging in this process several times.
The result. Target sees, understands, accepts, and moves closer to the sexy eyes giver in an effort to engage in conversation. This process is best captured in Kardinal Offishall's hot, new track Dangerous featuring Akon:
  • Girl I can notice but to / Notice you / Noticin’ me / from across the room I can see it but can’t stop myself from / noticin’ you / noticin’ me /
See. It works like that.
Now in my opinion the sexy eye should not be repeated more than three to four times with a given target. If they're non-responsive after that much sexy then you're dealing with one of three situations: they don't understand this universally accepted flirting communication, you do a very poor sexy eye, or they're not interested in you. To which I say: you don't want to be with someone who can't appreciate a fine S.E., try it out on some friends who genereally tell you the truth, and sorry about that...
Good luck out there. Please report back.