Monday, August 25, 2008

Why Girls Go For Assholes

By very popular demand – an expose on the age-old question of why girls go for assholes. A fact everyone acknowledges but no one understands -- sort of the like the solar system.

The below attempts to explain why girls respond to assholes in social settings. It does not address why girls stay in relationships with assholes that treat them terribly. That’s for Oprah to handle.

Below are current theories, thanks to the help of The Board - and my first year out of college

  • The "Strong Man" Theory

  • Ask a girl if girls always go for assholes and they’ll say, nooo we do not! Ask a guy and they’ll say, yeah, what the fuck is with that?! So the first issue may in fact be that girls don’t know an asshole when they see one while guys can spot a member of the doucheoise from his FB profile picture. A helpful guide identifying areas of confusion:

    - Arrogance - masquerades as confidence
    - Sleaze – can look, at first glance, like charm
    - Chronic competitiveness – may appear as strength
    - Lying cheater – often posing as an amazing guy

    Yes society has drawn a fine line between what a man is supposed to be: successful, strong, and commanding and what an asshole usually is: a consescending, not-nice braggart. In the female’s evolutionarily-driven search for the manliest man she can find, pieces of asshole are bound to slip in. It’s chafes to argue that our attraction to guy-burping-Alphabet is based in our belief he will best provide for our bear cubs, but apparently that’s (a piece of) what’s up.

    So where are those shining examples of kindness, respect, and chivalry with that hot element of edginess we all want? Not hanging out with assholes (and the girls who adore them). Right.

  • The Low Attention / No Attention Theory
    A variation on the low wages is better than no wages theory. For some girls negative attention is better than no attention at all. When starved for contact, some may take whatever appears to be presenting itself – positive or negative. So if, “I see you’re one of those always-on-a-diet girls that just drinks vodka soda’s huh? (wink)” is the first “line” you’ve heard in months – it may sound to you like, “hey, let me buy you that delicious-looking drink. Mmmmm vodka – my kinda girl. My name is Matt, by the way.”

    Yes, insults are some guys’ way of flirting. No, they are never, ever great guys. Think of all the greatest guys you know. Envision them insulting a girl to get her attention. Right. Playful and insulting are two very different things. Now the next time some guy says to you, “nice dance moves – is that your best impression of Elaine?” and your first thought is, mmmm who’s this hottie??…please instead turn to him, say, “disrespect will get you no where!” (finger-pointing optional) and walk yourself to the nearest therapist.

  • Girls Like A Challenge (fact, not theory)
    Emily put it best. “As cliche as it is, there's something about the whole thrill of the challenge.”

    Weak girls go for assholes because they like the attention in any form. Strong girls go for assholes because they like the game in any form. It makes us feel powerful, competitive, and equal - even if, and sometimes more-so if, we don't want him. It is admittedly always fun to have to work for it – to take part in that delicate tango of whit and banter that signifies this person wants to play and is probably good in bed (I don’t know why we assume this, but we do). Again, evolution -- that whole chase thing.

    Where we get into trouble is if our competitiveness outweighs our logic. When we want to win for winnings sake but forget to consider what we’re winning. It’s this mentality that leads to regretful mornings and very large stuffed animals you have to carry around the park for the rest of the day.

    In this scenario girls are foolish, but well-intentioned.

  • The Only-I-Can-Break-Him slash Our Own Secret World Theory
    At its core: girls like to solve problems because it makes us feel good, look impressive, and have a stack of “solutions” indebted to us. Applied to assholes: if he’s an asshole he has problems and needs reform. If I can help him reform I’ll a. prove he really really likes me (worth it’s weight in gold slash abuse) and b. make him indebted to me and my Dr. Drew-like ways. All I have to do is work to unlock his potential and then fix him so he sees non-asshole behavior is better than asshole behavior and will love me forever. Says one board member, “And if he chooses to not be an asshole only to me (even for short periods of time), I feel like I have something he gives no one else. So in turn, he must see something in me that is unique, and so we are even further bonded.”

    So it has nothing really to do with the asshole and everything to do with the girl. Yes it is evidence of all sorts of issues, but that’s not what this post is about.

    Emily adds the clincher, “It’s because it's dramatic. It's an epic love story in which emotions are torrid and for awhile it seems as though in the end everything will work out. Except it never does.”

    In this scenario girls are sick, but you can at least follow the logic – if you’re a girl.
Remaining issues:
  • Sometimes girls just want to get laid and assholes are really easy to figure out/go home with
  • Further, Really drunk girls will go for most guys. Get in there
  • And there are actually instances where we all huddle up, pick an asshole, and have a little fun messing with him for the greater good of humanity. Sorry if this is confusing. We'll work on some sort of hand signal for, "I'm actually in a relationship but just fucking with this asshole so he won't ruin the night for my single friends. Apologies for any confusion."

One could make the argument that if girls stopped responding to assholes then guys would stop behaving like assholes but that’s a. never going to happen and b. would make it even harder to find the diamonds in the drunk. Sort of like if all guys wore uniforms. Convenient, but then how could you tell who's wardrobe consists of concert T's?


  1. Great read. Wish there was more research on this subject but I guess we will have to take a bloggers perspective as the most creditable source.

  2. Some girls ARE assholes. It goes both ways.

    1. I love you^ As a matter of fact this goes both ways

  3. This is really fantastic! I have a blog similar to yours, and we are currently discussing this topic. I was doing some research to see what others have written about the great asshole debate and your post is by far the most comprehensive! I agree with everything you've said. For my blog, I've written my own perspective on this topic which will be posted in a few days. I am going to post a link to this site/article on my blog because I think it is BANG on!!! Awesome work! I'm off to read some more of your stuff!

  4. Assholes are witty and charming. That's why they go for us. We hate everything they hate, and are otherwise sarcastic toward everything else. What's not to love?

    1. i dont think this relates to the witty and charming assholes that can show confidence and make a girl laugh. this is more about the dudes who can impress a girl with charm and ACT like someone she likes but overall will only be into it for the sex and not really give a shit about any part of her that a penis can't go into.

  5. only your hair, douglas, only your hair.

  6. I don't get why us girls have such a strong attraction to assholes. I mean they ignore us, play us, lie, and are so rude that we think they're joking. Why can't we ever wake up from this and go for the good guys? Oh yea. It's cause we're shallow bitches who'll go for the cuter asshole than the uglier amazing guy. I wish i wasn't like that :/

  7. Good guys are avoided because they're probably much, much worse than the assholes who put it all out on the table. Good guys essentially pretend to be nice and tell you they love you etc. etc. eventually tricking you into sleeping with them.

    Assholes don't do that; they know what they want and won't sugar coat it. Take them or leave them, they don't care because someone else will if you don't.

  8. Or maybe
    just maybe
    there are guys out there who like a girl and want to treat her nice.
    Some people have moral values. Maybe they don't want to be an asshole.
    Maybe some guys just want to show a little compassion and have a little sent back their own way for once. Maybe it isn't even about sex.

    But oh well. Fuck it. Nice guys finish last and that's a fact. So fuck it.

    But ladies, if you go for an asshole and then complain about it, you're a stupid bitch and you deserve to feel the same way you make all those "nice guys" feel.

  9. I'm one of those "nice guys" according to definition. I was raised to respect women and instilled with good morals. My dad taught me how to act like a man and I just simply followed his directions. Being a nice guy hasn't really gotten me to far as far as relationships go, surprising, right? I sometimes think to myself,"if I were only more of an asshole people wouldn't use and take advantage of me all the time", but I can't bring myself to change who I am. All I can hope for is that the "right girl" comes along someday who, (who actually appreciates kind gestures, honesty, steadfast commitment, etc.), and realizes that love shouldn't have to be a complex string of drama. Seriously love should come naturally, if people would just be themselves and let their heart do the judging, (not only the eyes, or their friends) love will (eventually) find you. I am a very confident person, that doesn't mean I strut when I walk, or am obnoxious, or any of the other cocky aspects of the seemingly "confident man". I simply go about my daily business not over thinking about how I look or act, I have no problem telling a lady when I think she looks nice, or asking a girl on a date. It seems unfortunate that women tend to lean towards guys with an asshole type personality because those nice guys tend to get tired of waiting for the right girl and settle for someone that they really aren't happy with and end up being with them for a long time because they don't have the capability of pushing someone away that they themselves once accepted. -Just my thoughts anyhow.

  10. Men suck all together. And yes woman can be weak. I know, because I am one those weak ones. I tell people how I feel and then get upset when they don't like me back. pathetic? most likely. Depression and anxiety order? Definatly. When we have low self esteem and confidence we tend to like who pays attention to us. And then you let yourself get to comforatable with that person and you ruin anything you could of had. Viscious circle. But for me I know one day I will meet the right man.

  11. Women piss me off when they say men are assholes, when in the long run that decent bloke in their life they completely bypassed them to be with some stuck up arrogant prick! girls are stupid FFS!

  12. Here is a wonderful quote that I have heard, and said, multiple times in response the the typical question of where all the nice guys are at: "They're in the fucking friend-zone where you left them."

  13. The most honest quote I've ever heard.

  14. Oh dear such stereotypes...I'm beautiful..and very smart..if a man disrespects me he can fuck off so I can move on..I demand respect..I have never had a problem finding a clever witty man and also respect..I hate boring..stop being weak..I'm not even close to want a woman like me one who respects herself and demands respect..I would never put up with this shit you're talking about...someone treating me badly.. I don't even understand how these comments can be real..women want men that are assholes? are u kidding me? maybe the stupid ones do..not women like me that are worth getting and tedious to even read this..wake the hell up people

    1. Yea they just want u for your looks nothing else thats the only power u got besides being arrogant but hey whatever works for you

  15. To the girl who commented last, coming from the "nice guy". I don't think us nice guys want a girl like you, your not the "nice girl" that goes for the assholes. Your more like the assholes that the "nice girls" are going for. Just my thoughts.

  16. I'm an asshole, who does get laid, go figure???

  17. Women like assholes because they feel like they have more confidence but mostly because their good looking and that's all that really matters in their eyes.

  18. ... This is why I don't care about guys. I respect them as people, but not as romantic partners. Mainly because I don't understand this in the slightest. I'm a woman and I still can't explain why so many people fall for the biggest douchebags. It really all chalks down to the issue with self-confidence these days on both ends of the spectrum, I guess.