Luckily the Web 2.0 boom has produced a useful resource for all our passive-aggressive needs. Someecards.com offers everything from confessions that you cheated and birthday greetings to requests for more innovative sexual positions and sympathy notes - all in the kind of quippy wit that will make it simple for you to say," hahaha...j/k, obvi!" It's the modern way to handle that convo you'd rather drink a bottle of hot Jager through a twizzler than have in person.
Here are some favorites based on the most pressing awkward moments of our time:
Message: Hahaha, you're amazing. Help me get a job.
Message: Respond to my fucking emails, please
Message: FYI, not happening tonight.
Message: The drunk texts are getting a little out of hand, and yes, I know you have a huge thing for me.
Message: So stop inviting me there.
Send with caution -- and a back-up plan.