Wednesday, December 4, 2013
This morning I spent 25 minutes and two really nice shirts attempting to eat a grapefruit, hence this post.
This is not a means to develop New Years Resolutions in one plus months time or some kind of whoa-is-me post, it's simply a collection of facts...that I'd love if the 30-year-olds among you could agree with in comments.
10. Eat a grapefruit - Are you supposed to have one of those spoons with the teeth on the edge to make this happen without spraying juice all over the place? I literally have no idea. I've seen people do it many times before and yet my attempts ended in approximately two scoops of grapefruit in my mouth and three cups of grapefruit juice on my kitchen floor. I considered YouTubing it but that just felt too lame to bare, even along in my apartment wearing my work slippers.
9. Blow dry my hair - I can make my hair dry with the use of a blow dryer but I can't "blow out" my hair, as the cool girls say. This is partly because I had curly hair for most of my life, but it's mostly because whenever I start in on the sections with the clips and the round brush business my arms get really tired, and I give up.
8. Understand health insurance - Deductible and premium are two works that I will never fully get in the context of health insurance. Luckily I have fairly good insurance through my freelance gig, but there may come a time when I have to fend for myself coverage wise, and if that time comes I will be very, very screwed.
7. Crack and egg without getting shell in the bowl - This doesn't happen to me 100% of the time, but it happens enough times to be both annoying and concerning. I've taken to blaming the fancy eggs R gets at the Farmer's Market, but we both know that's a lie we're both letting me get away with.
6. De-plane a plane without completely losing my mind - The lack of efficiency with which other people exit an airplane is infuriating. It's as if they're not equally dying to get off the germ-infested, fresh air void, leg-cramped vessel. I am admittedly at my worst as a human when sitting in my seat waiting for slow people to grab their things out of the overhead bin and walk in a straight line, but I feel my behavior is justified.
5. Read in the car without getting car sick - Guys, I can't even look at my iPhone map for too long without getting a head ache. It's so mortifying. My mom claims that Harry Potter cured her of car sickness because she was so engaged in the book that she didn't even think about feeling nauseous, but I've already read Harry Potter so it seems I'm screwed for life.
4. Finish a can of seltzer - Or a glass... Or, while we're at it, a cup of coffee, tea or juice of any kind. In fact, the only beverage I seem to be able to drink without letting it get too warm (beer, seltzer, etc.) or cold (coffee) is a dirty martini. I can't explain this other than to say I get really full when drinking liquids. This made the three-day Pressed Juice cleanse I once attempted the worst three days of my life.
3. Paint my own nails - Can't do it, and it's not just because I've been spoiled by cheap, perfect manicures for the past decade. I blame the fact that I'm left handed, but the truth is I'm impatient and never know how much polish is too much polish to have on the brush.
2. Play a sport - This is technically untested because there are plenty of sports that I have never tried to play, but the fact is that at this given moment I am capable of playing zero sports. Not even tennis. I'm considering asking R for a tennis racket for the holidays but then I'll have to learn how to use it which feels like a pretty herculean task.
1. Not eat way too much cheese if there is a lot of cheese available - I used to think it was a will-power issue but now I know it's a physical impossibility. I am currently doing a vegan-before-6PM thing so I can't be within 100 yards of cheese at any given moment.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Another month...another list of lessons learned from the brave women who bare their souls through stories at my monthly show. For more information on Sunday Night Sex Talks check out our website. There you'll find info on the January 5th shows in Los Angeles and - for the first time ever - New York City!
For now here is another set of discrete gatherings from the most recent event featuring Jillian Lauren, Kristin Newman, Tiffany Barrett, and Pam Noles.
Things Learned During the December 1st Sunday Night Sex Talks
Theme: Baby, It Was Cold Outside
- There are so many puns you can make if you're dating a man named Juan, but that list expands exponentially when you're dating a half dozen men named Juan.
- The whole, "make the man scared so he'll seek comfort from me," thing is a common move among women. Sometimes it works, and sometimes the guy ends up vomiting from all the vodka he was secretly drinking to get through his fear!
- Using religion to scare children away from sex and intimacy works...until it doesn't, and when it stops working things go very quickly in the opposite direction of all those teachings.
- "He was bald and he was there," is never the way to want to describe a man you might marry.
- Empowerment can look and feel like so many things as you're exploring yourself and your sexuality and very often the view changes as we age beyond what we think we're doing to be free to what we know we need to be truly free.
- If 3.5 years of unrequited love ends in a hand job, it's not officially over.
- A life without sexual boundaries is a scary, double-edged sword. On the one hand, we get to set out own standards, but on the other hand, we have to set our own standards.
- And FYI, vagina tattoos exist. There are even postcards of them if you happen to be in Amsterdam.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
I'm writing from the couch of our apartment in L.A. with pumpkin-spiced coffee in hand, a soon-to-be-smoked turkey marinading in the kitchen and R reading last week's New York Times Sunday Review by my side. It's 65 degrees outside, The Rockettes just did their thing they do so well, and in an hour I'll be back on this coach watching the National Dog Show aka America's greatest television programming decision of all time. Life is very nice. Here are 10 other things that have made it particularly enjoyable to live this year.
(It goes without saying that my family and friends make the top of this list this and every year, but especially this year because I'm getting married so they're doing friend and family duty way overtime.)
10. The Couch-to-5K App for iPhone - At this time last year I could run for approximately 1.5 minutes without stopping. Today I can jog for 22 minutes through a series of run-walk intervals all while listening to tracks pulled from my own iTunes account, and if I actually stick with the app I'll allegedly by able to run a 5K in something like 9 weeks from now!
9. The writing staff of Homeland - Things were really touch-and-go last season but the team over at Homeland headquarters seems to have reigned it in making for a season full of twists, turns, and Claire Danes crying faces. I'm pleased, so far.
8. Trader Joe's - It's just excellent there, always. It doesn't hurt that we got one around the corner from our apartment a few months ago. Also they sell the ground pumpkin spiced coffee that I'm currently drinking, and it's killer.
7. Frizz-Ease Hair Serum - No matter what is going on with the mop on my head, this product makes it look better. Also it's something like $4 from CVS.
6. Anyone who has ever attended or performed in my Sunday Night Sex Talks show - It has been such a joy to bring this show together every month and because of all the support and talent, we're finally taking it to NYC! More details to come, but #SNSTalks will soon be a bi-coastal monthly production.
5. Those socks that just cover your toes and heel - Now I don't have to ruin my low ankle booties because I made them too stinky by wearing them without socks!
4. Ruth's Skincare on Melrose - Those Russian ladies know just how to scare me into taking good care of my skin, and they do it for a fairly reasonable price.
3. The Virgin America Visa - You guys we've earned something like two free flights in no time flat. I have no idea how it works but R says we're not doing anything illegal, so I'm huge fan.
2. The granola from The Larder at Burton Way - I'm sure it's fattening as hell, but I love that nut and honey-based mixture so, so much. I eat it with fat free Greek yogurt and blackberries, so that makes it mostly healthy, maybe.
And the #1 thing that has made 2013 just a little bit sweeter is The West Hollywood Public Library - I can work there for hours in absolute quite with or without a beverage at my own private desk that boasts and insane view of the Hollywood Hills, and they have free books and movies!
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours! I hope it includes family, friends, specialty cocktails, baked brie and a wild game of celebrity with a ton of gay men, just like mine.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
|*No. I will not be bedazzling the bottom of my wedding shoes|
A few weeks ago I had a general meeting that started the way most of my meetings start lately. The person on the comfy chair opposite my comfy chair said, "so, what's going on in your life?" to which I replied, "well, I'm getting married in May, so mostly that."
Then that person usually replies with something along the lines of wow, congrats, that's soon!, how are things going?, are you so excited for the wedding! I'm a pro at this point, so I know just how to respond: thanks! 6 months away, things are going really well, and yes I'm incredibly excited!
But on this specific occasion that person did not reply with something along those lines. Instead she said, "congrats! how do you feel about getting married?"
Not, how is the planning going? Band or DJ? Where is the wedding? Do you have your dress? But, what's your state of mind on matrimony?
I wasn't prepared for that question. I think I said something like, "I feel great about it."
More than a few people to whom I recounted this story said, "omg how rude!" (aka the Stephanie Tanner response) but the more I thought about the interaction, the more I appreciated the question. I shouldn't be getting married unless I know how I feel about marriage - not only my pending marriage but marriage in general, right? So yes, it's a bold thing to ask a perfect stranger - almost akin to, "what's your stance on religion," or, "how are you feeling about the existence of a God?" but in an age where marriage is no longer a given, is it really that bold?
Though, maybe that's an even bolder thing to say. Marriage isn't a given.
We may not have shifted into quite that questionable of a relationship with the institution, but I don't think things are the same as they once were. Take this article in the New York Times (Gay Couples, Choosing to Say 'I Don't). Here's an excerpt:
"Now that same-sex couples in 14 states have all the rights and responsibilities of straight married couples, gay couples are rushing to the altar, right? Not exactly. Plenty of gay couples do not want to marry, and their reasons are as complex — and personal — as any decision to wed.
For some, marriage is an outdated institution, one that forces same-sex couples into the mainstream. For others, marriage imposes financial burdens and legal entanglements. Still others see marriage not as a fairy tale but as a potentially painful chapter that ends in divorce. And then there are those for whom marriage goes against their beliefs, religious or otherwise."
I don't think this thought process is yet the case for about 75% of the population, but I do think our generation considers marriage in a different light than those previous, perhaps because of conversations like this born out of the gay marriage debate. And I think that's a really good thing.
Before R and I got engaged I thought a lot about whether or not I wanted to get married. I curiously didn't think about whether or not I wanted to be with R. That I've been certain about for a very long time. But I wanted to be sure that when R asked me to marry him my "yes" would be a real and honest answer. Not, yes, I want to have a wedding! but, yes, I want to be a married person.
My reasons are personal, of course. I didn't share them with the person who asked me in that general meeting, and I'm not going to share them right now. But I think it's important that I have them, and I'm grateful to the state of marriage in our world for forcing me to come up with them, even if it made for a super awkward 30 seconds on a comfy chair.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
I recently received notes from my managers on two big projects. Both sessions went very well as far as notes sessions go because I'm lucky to work with an amazing duo who roll their sleeves up and make every effort to help me deliver the best final product possible with no bullshitting, no wasting time and lots of laughing. That said, this is still how I wish every single notes session would go.
Hi Jessie - is now a good time to talk about your script? Great.
I want to start by saying that I loved it - no - I f-ing loved it. I cannot believe you churned out something this strong in under a decade frankly. If there was ever a question in your mind about whether or not you're going to make it as a writer you throw that dirty thought out because it's rubbish. This is gold, you're gold, and together we're going to make tons of gold. Kappish? Great. But just to be very clear, based on this script you have a major career ahead of you, so go ahead and book that thousand-dollar-a-day make-up artist for your wedding, girl, because you're going to make it all back a gabillion fold, this year.
Now, could I sell this script right now as is? Of course I could. But I want to push you to a genius beyond the genius already in this draft. Right now I feel like we have your typical successful romantic comedy on our hands, and while that's plenty impressive, I think we're one pass away from When Harry Met Sally.
As far as I can see there are three and only three things you could tweak to get us there. I know this is a lot of work I'm suggesting, so why don't you use my assistant to help with anything life-wise as you're getting through this next draft. Okay? Great. Let's dive right in.
Number 1: You might think about changing the protagonist's name. I feel like Tess conveys a softness whereas something like Jenna or Ava has more of the edge we're going for here.
Number 2: Your script currently spans from Fall through Winter to the following Spring, but I think shifting to start in Spring then move through Summer finally ending in Fall would kick it up a major notch.
Number 3: Everywhere your love interest says, "yeah" let's go in and have him say, "yes." You've painted him to be such a strong, lovable, men-want-to-be-him-woman-want-to-f-him type and I feel like "yes" is more in tone with what that kind of guy would say.
I realize all three notes affect the entire script, but on the bright side there are absolutely no typos - go you again! Why don't you just take the next however long you want to turn a new draft. In the meantime I'll call Jen Lawrence's people to make sure she's on hold for a good chunk of 2015. Good? Great.
Well bravo again Jessie. Of all our clients you are our favorite of all time and we never ever doubt signing you and we never ever will.
Have a great day!
Monday, November 11, 2013
Today I'm making up for my absence last Wednesday and Friday (new book proposal, check), by providing you with absolutely priceless information completely free of cost. In 800 words or less (but probably somewhere around 1,000) I am going to teach you how to cram an entire week's worth of clothes into one piece of carry-on luggage. My packing prowess is among my greatest points of pride (under showing people around Los Angeles, of course, but above writing messages in birthday cards), so it gives me great pleasure to pack it forward, as no one says.
As you might remember, I have some general issues with suitcases as they pertain to other people, but I think that only further proves what kind of thought-time commitment has gone into this advice.
But bottom line and long story short, you're 30 now (if I am, you are) and you shouldn't have to waste $25 bones (or whatever those snakes at the airlines are now charging) because you can't decide among your seventeen pair of pants.
Let's get started. For clarity sake I'll be fitting the following possessions into this size suitcase for a trip to NYC this coming weekend. I'm traveling for a full 10 days including a black tie wedding and week of meetings in Manhattan, so this is really putting things to the test, that I will pass.
Dresses First - You want to be packing as many dresses as humanly possible because they provide one complete outfit in a single article. Throw on tights, which are small, and boots, which you're going to wear on the plane ride over, and you're done. Here are the four dresses I am packing.
- Long-sleeved hunter green shift dress
- Long-sleeved fucia shift dress
- 3/4-sleeved black-and-white sweater dress
- 3/4-sleeved leopard shirt dress (formal-ish)
- Black tie gown (light material, easily foldable)
Shoes Second - Now that you have a color palette to work with, you should throw the shoes in because they'll take up the most space. Whenever possible, wear the largest shoes you have on the plane. For me this means taking a red eye in a pair of knee high black boots, but they're coming off the minute I hit the seat, and wearing them is saving me a ton of room, so I don't care. In addition to those black boots I will pack only two other pair of shoes.
- Fancy shoes for a black tie wedding
- Black bootie shoes with a low heel
Sweaters and Tops Next - You need pieces that can layer because they'll take up less space than bulky sweaters. I wear cardigans over button downs and try to limit the skimpy silky tops during winter trips. Here is my list:
- A. Black tight-checked button down
- B. Black turtleneck
- C. Black long-sleeved chiffon top
- D. Black long-fit cardigan
- E. Red cardigan
- F. Red & black checked flannel
- G. Royal blue blouse
- H. Light-knit tan sweater w/ giant fox on the front (the fox is black)
- Black camisole
Bottoms - Black jacks, blue jeans (2), red jeans - done.
Every single bottom goes with every single top (except red on red, but you knew that). That is critical. I recommend on pair of jeans be "nice" and one be "knock-around" so you don't end up with 35 outfits for meetings and nothing to wear to grab a Dunkin Donuts. These get folded or rolled and lay over the dresses and tops.
PJ's - Sorry but I cannot allow for plush flannel jammies in this set up. I do light grey leggings and a comfy tee. I shove these in around the open holes where the shoes are.
Socks, Undies, Tights - as needed. And no, I don't pack half the underwear I need and wash them in process (unless I'm going for a full two weeks), I just pack mostly thongs because you'd be surprised how much less room they take up! These also get shoved into any open holes.
The In-Flight Outfit - This might be the single most important element of the entire pack. If you can get at least another whole look out of the flight wear, you're golden. This time I'll be wearing legitimate leggings (as in ones I would wear to dinner, not to bed), a long-sleeved denim top (that covers my butt in said leggings), a large sweater over that top (bright pink that will go with tops A. and B. above), and my boots (as mentioned).
Toiletries and Accessories - I live a travel-sized life so my make-up bag is fairly contained and can fit inside the main luggage bag along with my curling rod ;) I keep the accessories with me in my personal item (a large purse that fits my computer) because I feel safer that way and because it's pushing it to fit them into the main luggage too. The only remaining items are a scarf (which I wear on the plane), winter beanie (personal bag), and my evening bag for the wedding (front zipped pouch of my suitcase).
You guys, we/I did it again! Are we going to look the best we've ever looked? No. Does anyone is freezing cold New York care? Absolutely no! So reach out with any questions in comments and let the stress-free traveling begin!...except for the part where you have to hoist this mother load into the overhead compartment. That part's a bitch.
Monday, November 4, 2013
You're probably getting the hang of this sitch since my last, recent post on the topic, but just in case, here is what my whole Sunday Night Sex Talks show is all about.
Things I Learned At Sunday Night Sex Talks: November Edition
Theme: Things To Be Thankful For...In Bed?
- Maybe don't date the lead in your off, off Broadway version of Frankenstein, especially if he lives in tenement housing.
- The power of sexually is hard to define, harder to understand and hardest to erase from our early memories of what is powerful and sexy.
- If I cat talks to you in your dream. You've had too much to drink.
- Always find you shirt before going to bed with a man in the living room of your aunt and uncle's house.
- There is perhaps nothing cooler than having a former Rockette for a mother.
- The recipe for getting over a break up of any kind is to watch all six seasons of Sex & the City over a four day period.
- Someone needs to do something about the design of that sleeping back coat that every woman in New York wears from approximately December through March. It's horrendous and the opposite of sexy.
- Yes, a BFA in musical theater can come in handy during role play. No, wearing an over-sized security guard t-shirt with stripper heels and getting locked out of an apartment is not role play, or at least it's not good role play.
- And men: beware of a woman who recently got out of a long-term relationship. I'm not sure how you're supposed to figure that out, but if you can, do because she's probably going to back out of sleeping with you right before it happens.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
I am fine at many things, good at a handful more and great at just a few but there is one category in which I am second to none (but R, but I now consider us one for the sake of me being the best at this thing) and that is touring people around Los Angeles.
Over the past 31 days I have had not one or three but eight people visit me here in La La Land. Two of them came for work and one of them was my mother, but that doesn't diminish the fact that I have been doing some serious showing of this city. As a result I've developed what I believe to be a damn-near perfect list of things for people to do and see - a Chinese menu of the Southland, if you will (and I have in several e-mails, complete with links).
Here - exclusively for you (unless you'd like to share it with, say, BuzzFeed, which would be totally fine) is my list:
The Hiking Options
East Side - Early AM uphill walk to the Griffith Observatory via the Fern Dell Trail (just beyond The Trails Cafe) followed by brunch at Home on Hillhurst
West Side - Sunset Los Liones hike via Los Liones Trail just off Sunset Blvd followed by beers and fried seafood at The Reel Inn
The 4-Hour Venice Tour
- Park at Brooks Street on Abbott Kinney.
- Walk and shop Abbott with a mandatory stop for a coffee at the Tom's Store (I'm over Intelligentsia) and snack at GTA
- Explore the famous Venice Canals (walk west on Venice Blvd then cut in South on Mildred Ave)
- People watch on the boardwalk (access it straight off the canals, and don't forget to stop at Muscle Beach and the Skate Park)
- Beer, guac and chips at Venice Ale House
- Boardwalk back to Brooks --> home
- Start on Rodeo/Beverly Hills area to see the famous sites and get a cupcake out of the Sprinkles vending machine
- By car, travel up Rodeo through Beverly Hills to Sunset. If funds allow, stop for a drink at The Beverly Hills Hotel
- Proceed on Sunset through the strip for the music history tour (Viper Room, Whisky A-Go-Go and Chateau Marmot sighting)
- Head north on La Brea toward Hollywood Blvd. but make a right onto Hawthorne before you hit Hollywood. That puts you behind The Roosevelt Hotel which is where you'll park to see the sights. Walk through the old hotel then straight onto Hollywood Blvd for Grauman's, the star walk and Dolby Theater and El Capitan. If hungry grab a burger at 25 Degrees inside The Roosevelt.
- Breakfast: King's Road Cafe
- Morning Shop: Melrose from Fairfax to LaBrea
- Lunch: Tinga
- Afternoon Shop: The Grove + 3rd Street from Fairfax to La Cienega
- Afternoon Snack: Short Cake at The Grove
- Dinner Cheap: Haru Sushi Cafe
- Dinner Fancy: A.O.C
- 6PM - Drinks at Beer Belly
- 8PM - Dinner at Jun Won
- 10PM - Karaoke at Bobos
- 12AM - 24 Hour Spa at Wi Spa
Malibu Wines - spend an entire day or just an hour (seasonal schedule applies). Stop for food at Malibu Seafood to bring into the winery.
Santa Anita Race Track - season racing at this insanely beautiful park outside Pasadena. Required stop for dumplings at Din Tai Fun with your winnings.
DOWNTOWN! It deserves an entire category, but give the draw of other famous landmarks I'll leave it at MOCA/Geffen for art, Disney Concert Hall for a quick tour, Mas Malo for dinner and 7 Grand for a drink after.
And my special secret amazing view of LA drinks spot: Rooftop on Wilshire
Good luck out there, drink plenty of water and remember to never go anywhere without checking the traffic!
Monday, October 28, 2013
|via NY Times|
Yesterday's The New York Times Sunday Review section featured a piece titled Slaves of the Internet, Unite! written by the talented and hysterical Tim Kreider. The thesis statement: it's not OK that online publications both major and minor commonly do not compensate writers for content. To be clear: online sites (that make money) ask writers to submit stories (that take time to write) and then do not pay them anything for those stories (zero dinero).
Did you know that was the case? If you're a writer you absolutely know, but for you doers of other things out there, did you know that articles you read on places like The Huffington Post - one of the largest and most successful content providers on the Internet - are written for free? Same goes for hundreds of other websites out there. Then there are those publications that pay a laughable fee, for example Thought Catalog (now publishing on HuffPost), which paid me $20 per 500 word article and Bustle, which recently offered me the same. That would be this Bustle that reportedly just raised 6.5 million dollars. That's a lot of $20 articles...
I could rant for days about how frustrating it is to have your work devalued to the point of being expected to do it for free, but I like how Tim put it:
"I’ve been trying to understand the mentality that leads people who wouldn’t ask a stranger to give them a keychain or a Twizzler to ask me to write them a thousand words for nothing. I have to admit my empathetic imagination is failing me here. I suppose people who aren’t artists assume that being one must be fun since, after all, we do choose to do it despite the fact that no one pays us. They figure we must be flattered to have someone ask us to do our little thing we already do."
Or as one editor wrote in her e-mail requesting me to write a 2,000 word expose requiring at least a month of research for free put it, "I'm so excited to offer you the opportunity to expand your mind for us!"
The common come back to these rants from still struggling writers like myself is, "yes, but what you don't earn in money you earn in exposure." That's not incorrect (though exposure does not a dentist bill pay), but since it's 2013 and places like TheHuffingtonPost are sittin' real pretty, I don't know why we have to settle for exposure instead of pay when we're the reason for the exposure in the first place. Our work makes people visit your site. That's like the E! network telling the Kardashians that they're not paying them because the TV time is their pay when the only reason people watch E! is because of the Kardashians.
It's a bait and switch (maybe? that expression feels right...), but unfortunately we fell for it. Now companies don't have to pay because of the old "why buy the cow" saying. They'll get the content for free because there's always some young, hungry writer willing to put in the hours before or after their paying job to pursue their passion. I was that young writer and, on occasion, I still am.
I'd like to believe that companies perpetuating this problem will develop a moral compass rather than focus exclusively on the bottom line, but I'm not so naive to believe that will ever happen. That's the issue here, though, in case there was any question. It's not that companies can't pay, it's that they are choosing not to pay. Their business model is built on a platform of not paying or paying very, very little. Sometimes this is because they are struggling start ups, in which case I get it, and I do what I can to help. But very often that's not the case.
I'd also like to suggest all of us "slaves of the Internet" unionize and stick it to the man, but the truth is there will always be scabs, and I can't blame the 21-year-olds who will write anything for anyone to get those first few by lines. I was them.
But to get (even more) dramatic about this whole issue - what happens when most of the content on the Internet is stuff written by people willing to give it away for free? And what happens when nobody aspires to write because it's so impossible to afford life as a full-time writer? I don't know the answers, so I'm hoping the New York Times will assign Tim Kreider a follow-up and pay him to write it.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
I like to think that I'm very good at being an adult. I make my bed and with the perfect amount of accent pillows. I know just what to get everyone on my holiday gifting list. I use an under eye cream at night, take a vitamin C pill every morning, and never drink before noon on the weekdays.
And yet there are area of adult life at which I am, apparently, not so skilled. I say apparently because before getting into a relationship with a man who was born the world's greatest dad, I didn't know I had a problem. I just thought everyone absolutely hated going to the grocery store, freaked out most of the time they were inside and left with a dozen items they didn't need, all for prices only an idiot would pay.
Turns out I'm really bad at the grocery store - going, being there, leaving - you name it. I'd like to blame this disability on my five years in Manhattan - a time when I had to carry any and all groceries up four flights up stairs and had a questionably functioning stove - but the truth is those old lady food carts were very in at the time, and the reason the stove didn't work is because I kept shoes in it.
So now here I am attempting domestic bliss and healthy living with an excellent cook three blocks away from a Trader Joe's. I know what you kindest of souls are thinking - but you still have to carry all those groceries three blocks! - but the store has its own dedicated parking garage and they validate up to two hours.
Here's what's weird about this situation - I love to cook and I love to eat. I find preparing meals relaxing and fun. I find eating meals delicious and delicious. So as I attempted to explore this problem I realized my g-store sitch isn't actually about the food. And, as you know, I have no issues with shopping for other items. Give me a clothing, home decor or electronics challenge, and I'll meet it on time and under budget, yes, even electronics!
And so I decided to take my issue to a certified expert, a person who adores the store where they sell food, attacks it like a seasoned pro and absolutely never leaves in tears (one time, and it was because I couldn't get the recipe up on my iPhone some mean lady with a cart full of Spam was looking at me funny. Fine. She didn't have Spam. No one in Los Angeles eats Spam).
- Me: Hey, I'm going to write about how I'm really bad at going to the grocery store.
- R: Good idea. You really are.
- Me: Thanks... So if you could theorize what deep seeded issues might be causing this problem what might you say?
- R: You don't like having too many options or spending money.
- Me: That's ridiculous! What is a Forever 21 store if not a plethora of options that cost about as much as a pound of meat?
- R: Fine, you don't like having too many options or spending money on things that aren't clothes.
- Me: ...or shoes... Huh. Interesting.
- R: But tell them you've gotten a lot better since we've been together, thanks to my influence.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Oh man are you going to be excited slash weirded out when you see how those two topics come together!
Last Thursday I joined my friend Ben at the co-working space where he spends his days. Ben runs his own company and, like many entrepreneurial 2.0 types, realized that he needed a place to focus on his to-dos and and bring his new clients that's outside his home (albeit that a lovely house in Echo Park). And so Ben joined Hub LA, a intimidatingly cool co-working space that sits across the street from an unpronounceable gourmet sausage restaurant and this coffee place that doesn't offer sugar in the arts district of downtown LA. Naturally I am love with this entire situation despite the fact that I use 1/2 a cup of CoffeeMate vanilla creamer in my coffee and hate saying things I don't know how to say.
See, I too have been trying to find a place to work where I can't eat an entire bag of pita chips slash container of hummus or re-try on all my clothes to make new outfits options all day long. It's not that my lovely one bedroom in Beverly Adjacent isn't big enough to accommodate my Mac Air and post-it note screenplay outline. It's that I have no will power to work in a space where my DVR also exists.
And so I took Ben up on his offer to spend the day at Hub LA (no, I didn't buy new shoes specifically to wear to this mecca of all that is hip in the world, I bought new shoes that happened to work with an outfit that I wore to this mecca of all that his hip in the world - I swear!).
One month ago I got an e-mail from a representative with Chantelle Lingerie, this French company with more than 150 years of experience in making women look good in their underwear. The Chantelle rep wondered if we could find a way to incorporate their products into a blog post. I don't pursue promotional writing unless it already relates to an idea I'm interested in exploring, but in this case the stars aligned. I truly have been curious about an issue involving lady unders for some time now, and so I decided to take the Chantelle people up on their offer to see, once and for all, if what I've read on five dozen Cosmo magazine covers is true: do you really feel sexier and more confident all day long if you're wearing hot but wearable lingerie?! And does this whole charade just apply to romantic dinners out with your beau or would it, say, work if you were just sitting at a funkily shaped cafeteria table in a downtown loft space all day long...
I just so happened to get my Chantelle bra and unders sets (no grown woman says panties, only men) the day before my co-working test drive, and so it seemed only logical to combine the two. My rationale: if those brilliantly constructed black lace family jewel covers can make me feel great while I'm killing myself through the first draft of a feature script in a florescent lit room, they can do anything.
You better believe I felt great wearing those sexy underwear to that co-working space (these ones, to be specific)! First of all, they couldn't be more comfortable - like barely there comfort but in a silk/lace combo that should be itchy but felt like nothing at all. Secondly, the bra has this mini bit of push-up padding that feels like a bean bag - delightful against the girls. And finally, I had this ridiculous little secret under my boyfriend jeans and graphic t-shirt all day long. On several occasions I laughed, out loud, to myself. And I am happy to report that this delight, combined with the incredible quiet of the work space and totally free seltzer water they serve, resulted in my writing 25 pages of the script. If that isn't a win, win, win, win, I don't know what is.
So thanks go out to Ben, Hub LA, Chantelle Lingerie and FinalDraft8 for what will probably be my first and last promotional post if any other companies are reading right now...
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
As you now know from the last time I recapped the show, I run a monthly storytelling show called SUNDAY NIGHT SEX TALKS at Bar Lubitsch in West Hollywood. Think of it like The Moth, except all the topics have to do with sex, love and relationships.
This month's edition of the series recaps lessons learned during our 2nd Birthday Bash! I'm proud to say that #SNSTalks has survived two full years incredible performances, raucous crowds, and zero men (except for that one time, but that's a longer story). I'm even more proud to announce that we're finally taking the show on the road! First stop is NYC for a January 5th performance (details to come), and we'll see how things roll out after that.
Things I Learned At Sunday Night Sex Talks: October Edition
Theme: Age Is Just A Number, Right?
- Do not shit where you eat, but if you must, don't do it with your boss.
- Try not to date poets, but if you accidentally do, NEVER go to their poetry reading...the day after you sleep with them for the first time.
- 22-year-olds are like alien creatures to anyone over the age of 28. Remember this when you meet a very, very attractive one at a music festival.
- "Whiskey Slap" is a "drinking game" in which you take a shot of whiskey then slap the person you're playing with really hard across the face. Then it's their turn, and they do the same to you. You'll be really happy you know that if you happen to come across a very, very attractive 22-year-old at a music festival.
- The fact that a guy doesn't have a lot of ex girlfriends is great. The reason for that being a long-ish stint in prison during his 20s is not.
- "I'm starting my own hot sauce company" isn't the kind of entrepreneurial spirit you should be looking to date if you're over the age of 25.
- Always wear a helmet when riding a Vespa.
- Mrs. Robinson, as is Anne Bancroft's character in The Graduate is a very sad woman. Remember that when it comes time to define your sexual goals and relationship desires.
- If you "fall out of love" with the 17-year-old love of your life, don't go looking for the deep, meaningful reasons why it all went wrong. The answer is, you are 17, and that same answer applies to every single age prior to your late 20s.
- If a man ever refers to any sexual experience as "breakfast" - run.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Then I stumbled on Jezebel's piece on Aja Brown, the 31-year-old major of Compton, CA - a place they tell you not to go the day you move to L.A. The Jezebel piece lead me to the Vogue interview, where I learned that, "Her own mother, Brenda Jackson, fled [Compton] in her twenties. Jackson’s mother, Aja’s maternal grandmother, Lena Young...was brutally murdered in a violent home invasion rape and robbery in Compton in the 1970s. The case is still unsolved." So obviously I had to read on to learn about Brown's vision for the city of Compton - a place she refers to as California's Brooklyn.
And after all that, I didn't want to write about the out of touch dicks in D.C. anymore. I hope Aja Brown is right about Compton - and not just because it's 20 minutes from my house. But even if she's wrong about the transformation of the gang-infested suburb that brought us gangsta' rap - I don't care. The fact that she exists is good enough for me right now.
But just for good measure - here's the listing of every congressperson's phone number in case you still want to call them and tell them how much they suck at their jobs. I don't think it'll make any difference, so I'm going to spend my energy contributing to Aja's Vision for Compton instead.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
I heard a fascinating bit of information yesterday, third handedly, but still.
R was talking to an actress friend (hi Myra!) who was referencing her daughter (hi daughter!) who has this amazing theory about dating. Her claim: that at the 45 minute mark of any given date, you'll know if it's a pass or a fail.
Now there's two degrees of Kevin Bacon between this story and me, but here is the way R explained what Myra explained about what her daughter shared.
The first few minutes of any date are simple introductions and small-talk pleasantries. Good to meet you, did you have trouble getting here? Can you believe it's raining? Sure it's possible that some dealbreaker is shared within those first, say, 10, but unless it's I got here on my bike because I don't have a license because I have 27 DUI's, you're probably safe. But even if that does happen, the theory would still stand because the datee failed within the 45 minutes.
So presuming he/she is still in pass territory, the next 10-15 minutes usually revolve around ordering items and discussing basic life facts. I'll have a beer, Yeah I lived in New York for five years, U-huh I'm the oldest of four girls, etc. Once again, there's always room for a super revealing detail like yeah I lived in New York for five years with a woman whose baby I had slash still have, but it's cool, for example. But chances everyone is still on their best behavior.
Once the items arrive to the table/bar/car (drive-ins are making a real comeback you guys), it can get tricky. Suddenly you're out of small talk and asking questions that lead to real answers: what do you do? why do you do it? what's your opinion on X? why do you disagree with Y? By that point someone has either looked at their phone way too many times, or not. Maybe you have a drink in you so you're more apt to share a little more? Bottom line, you're inching toward being yourself, which is where things finally get interesting.
Which brings us to the 45 minute mark. What my source suggests is that by 45 minutes she's learned something on every single first date that determines whether she'd like a second. If the person passes that doesn't mean they're sure as engaged. It just means the individual has yet to fail.
And I guess conversely, if someone has a dealbreaker to reveal, they'll reveal it within the first 45 minutes? I'm a little fuzzy on that part, but I think that makes sense.
So, what say you? Does the theory hold water? How many instances can you point to that confirm or deny it?
It's been awhile since I've been out there, but I have to admit this feels right. Except in my experience it might be more like 30 minutes...tops.
Monday, October 7, 2013
This post was born out of the 45 minutes I recently spent trying to get my newly straight hair (it literally just went straight after 29.5 years of being curly!!!) to curl properly using one of those curling rods every 12-year-old on YouTube seems to have mastered. Enjoy!
The Top 10 Things I (Apparently) Still Need To Remind Myself
...at 30 Years of Age
10. Your hair looks fine. Not perfect, not amazing, not Rachel Bilson-esque, but fine. Likely better than fine, but fine is better than awful, which is still better than bald. Now either leave it like it is or put it in a pony tail and step away from the mirror.
9. No one gives a poop what your hair looks like anyway. They're too busy thinking about their own hair, unless they are well-adjusted humans, in which case they're thinking about more important things like what they're going to eat for their next meal.
8. Chances are there is not a man hiding into the storage closet in your apartment, and even if there is, opening the door really slowly is not the solution.
7. There is zero logic in eating like crap from brunch on because you at like crap at brunch. A day is not some kind of pass/fail class. In fact, nothing but a pass/fail class is anything like a pass/fail class so just live in wonder that those ever existed and move on.
6. In a related reminder: The Special K Diet is just an organized way of starving yourself for two weeks.
5. It is no longer possible to improve on your alcohol tolerance any less than two years prior to whatever wedding you need to attend. Buy yourself some Drinkwel or Lyteshow, alternate between booze and water, and don't schedule a flight before 7PM the following day.
4. The more you troll Facebook, the more freaked out you will become about the general lack of babies you've given birth to in the past ever. Stick to Twitter. Way less babies, so far.
3. Honking has zero impact on the third card that slips through after the light turns red. He knows it's two cars max - everyone knows it's two cars max - and your Volvo toot isn't going to change the fact that he does not care.
2. Yes, it's true that if you just wrote ten pages a day for 11 days you'd have a feature film. No, it's never ever going to go down like that.
And the #1 thing I have to remind myself even though I'm 30 years of age...
1. You're not "run down from all the writing you've been doing lately" - you just get tired at 10:30 now.
Friday, October 4, 2013
First, I want to thank all of you who reached out to say, "hell yes! buy that church!" and next, I want to ask you for between one and fifty thousand dollars. Unless one of you has a spare million, in which case I'll take that, and the rest of you can stand down until phase two of the project.
It has been one week since R and I decided to buy (this) abandoned church and turn it into a movie theater (St. Catherine's Cinema). Our goal for the week was to find out three things of the twenty million we need to find out before actually, maybe, possibly going through with this insane idea. I am proud to say that we crossed two out of the three off our list - proud because they're my two things. R, "didn't get to his." He claims to have a legitimate excuse but then he doesn't have a blog to share it on now does he? (j/k he's shooting a pilot for an actual television network). R's task was to call the town judge - Judge Brian - to find out a series of things I assume he's figured out. They should probably be about the law, but I'll leave that to R.
My tasks were to get in touch with two people - a guy who installs movie theaters in unconventional places and the realtor who listed our church.
I was super concerned about the first task because of obvious reasons. Who knows a guy who installs movie theaters in unconventional place?! Why would that even be a thing in the first place?
Turns out it is, and I do.
- "Oh I guess I could call my friend Mark," I told R, mostly as a way to remind him to call his future friend Judge Brian.
- "I'll call Judge Brian. I'll call him tomorrow," R said, because he knows all my tricks. "What does Mark do?"
- "Well, a lot of things, but he used to be the technical director for the Tribeca Film Festival, so he did things like build movie theaters in strange places from scratch."
- "Well that's convenient."
- If you're a non-profit, film-related organization you can apply for grants aka money.
- Old movie theater seats are free to dirt cheap. In some cases people will pay you to take them away.
- Old movie theater screens are dirt cheap to very cheap. They probably won't pay you to take them away, but if they did it would almost be too much to handle, so it's fine.
- Digital projection is the way to go, and not just because it's cheaper by tens of thousands of dollars.
So to make the math simple (for me) I'll estimate cost of movie theater and general space build at 250K. Add that onto the cost of the building (roughly 500K), and you're at 750K. So then why do you need my spare million dollars? you're thinking.
Because of my second call. The call to the realtor who listed our church.
Peggy was as delightful as they come. When I told her about my plan she said, "That's great. We could really use a movie theater like that." She also confirmed that the property is zoned for mixed use (commercial and/or residential) and that the buyer was willing to negotiate but looking for a fair offer on the current price. Apparently our church is currently owned by an elderly woman who has fallen ill, requiring her to sell before converting it into a home and store. I really, really hope her name is Catherine for even more good karma, and also because I'm not changing the name of our church if it isn't.
Then Peggy dropped the bomb. "Yes, the current owners gutted the building, so there is no plumbing or electric currently."
- "So there are no bathrooms or lights at all what-so-ever?" I asked.
- "Right," Peggy said, "And no A/C or heat either."
To be continued...
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Three years ago on October 2nd R convinced me that he should be my boyfriend. You can read more about how that all went down, but just know that I didn't say okay because he was right (which, of course he was). I said okay because he knew what he wanted and didn't have time for games (which is still his MO when it comes to everything from which couch to buy - the brown one - to what to order at any given breakfast spot - the breakfast burrito).
Last year on this day I wrote about my #1 secret to a successful relationship. I'm proud to say it's still my #1, though obviously far less secret.
Today I thought I'd continue the tradition by sharing another secret to "success." This one is way weirder and oddly personal than we're-both-nice-to-each-other-all-the-time. In fact, it's exactly the opposite.
Sometimes I like it when we fight. In this really strange way that I'm going to attempt to explain, I think I sort of need it.
To be clear, R and I don't "fight" in the TV movie sense of the word. Nobody has ever yelled. Nobody has ever cried. I think the most heated exchange we've ever experienced was about a flip cup tournament (somebody got a little competitive and somebody else is a total sissy when it comes to competition).
But like any couple/roommate/family we can get snippy. Sometimes someone repeatedly does the exact same thing "wrong", and that's annoying. There are times when one of us is in a mood and the other tries the wrong tactics to make things better. And throwing a dinner party out of a kitchen the size of a walk-in closet would be challenging for the most saintly among us, for example.
And so we get into a thing. Maybe it's called a "tiff?" Words get shorter. Eye contact lessens. Somebody says whatever in the same tone they used throughout all of middle school. You get it.
I hate these moments. I'm angry because of whatever is angering me, but I'm more angry that I can't just get over it. I know R feels the same, but when two people are at odds it doesn't just go away with a "sorry" and "it's okay, but try not to do it again." It lingers, and that lingering is miserable.
But then, and I can't explain how this works, it sort of lifts? I'm sure the better word is dissipates, but it really does feel like there's a curtain hanging between us that somehow just decides to raise. I look at R and decide I'm over it, or that I was wrong and he was right the whole time, or that I have something I want to tell him that's going to sound super dumb through my mad voice. And so I take a step out of awkward-mad-us and into normal-fun-us - or he takes a step first and I decide to follow - but after a few minutes we're back to how we are - or maybe who we are?
And then I feel this deep sense of relief. I think - yes, we're doing it! This is a relationship! We had a mini fight but now we're fine. This evidence suggests that we'd be fine if we had a little bigger than a mini fight! We really love each other! Okay! This is good! This is what it's all about!
It's not that I enjoy any part of the process that gets me to that thought. I think it's that once I'm one the other side of the thing I'm grateful for the experience of knowing we can get there. I gives me a sense of security in our relationship. And for that reason, I like it just a little bit - like the way you like a tough work-out or one of those movies that's really a thinker, I guess.
And if you're under the impression that I think all these totally bizarre thoughts to myself and don't - say - share them with R in the form of very educational pillow talk - my final, deep thought offering before drifting off to sleep - then you obviously haven't been reading this blog for long. I think it's as important to celebrate the good times as it is to celebrate getting over the bad, and luckily R agrees.
Plus, since he's the one who convinced me to be his girlfriend (and future wife for that matter), I think it's nice to let him know that I'm still very pleased with my decision - three years to the day later.
Monday, September 30, 2013
In one month I will celebrate one year a full-time writer, so I should probably have a handle on how it works. To some degree, I'd say that I do.
I know that I need to wake up by 7:30AM, latest, for maximum morning productivity, so I usually pop out around 8. I know that working out, even for 20 minutes, is the best way for me to start the day, so I do 30 minutes every other day. I've found that one cup of coffee is just right, two cups is way too much, and three is just right. I've determined that if I wear anything that looks or feels similar to pajamas, I will get absolutely nothing done but wearing slippers all day makes me golden. And I know that I go stir-crazy if I don't leave the house for at least a few hours during the day...to buy something.
The thing I still can't seem to figure out is how to not feel guilty/weird/wrong/lazy any time I'm not working during the work day. It's like some former full-time worker PTSD.
Case in point: last week I got stuck while working on a feature film outline. I did my freelance fashion writing in the morning, ate my home made salad while watching one Netflix episode of The Wonder Years, then prepped for a TV pitch in the early afternoon. So I finally started in on this feature idea I've been developing around 2:30-3:00. By 4:00 I wanted to throw my computer across the room. Nothing was working. All my ideas were crap. Why didn't I just become a magazine writer? Those articles are SO short! And so I took the the Internet...where I found that a movie I've been dying to see just so happened to be playing at a movie theater just down the street...at 4:30pm.
At 4:25 I was sitting alone in a dark room with a small bag of popcorn in my lap feeling a very strange combo of awesome and miserable. I was indulging in every full-time worker's fantasy - a mid-afternoon matinee. It only costs $6, as if the universe is saying, fine, you win. Hell it was my own fantasy for the seven years that I spent employed full-time.
As that full-time employee I said things like, "breaks in the work day are healthy! Taking in art is important! Studying film as an aspiring filmmaker is really important! Damn the man!!" But now that I'm only the other side - finally able to create a work-life balance - I can't enjoy the non-work half of the see-saw because I feel too guilty that I'm not working!
Maybe it's like getting over a break up? It takes half the span of your career to settle into not having a career? Or maybe it's a deep-seeded American compulsion to always be productive even if what you're producing is less meaningful than what you'd get out of sitting in a park and reading a book?
I'm not sure, and if the break-up metaphor is correct, I have 3.5 more years before I'll have it more figure out. So for now I think I'll keep the mid-week matinees in check...and the manicures...and the quick trips to Target...and the 2 hour lunches.
Or, on second thought, maybe I should just actually get out of bed at 7:30 and drink one more cup of coffee?
Friday, September 27, 2013
R and I have decided to buy an abandoned church. Yes, that abandoned church you see above, or better yet, this abandoned church you can read all about.
I thought about keeping the identity of our church a secret, but I decided the chances of you also wanting this abandoned church are slim to none, plus if you do decide to sneakily buy it out from under us, you're welcome to the world's worst karma - church stealing karma.
R and I first saw our church when we were visiting our wedding venue (a property we do not aspire to own, at this time), which is in Hudson, New York. Our church was sitting right next to the NoLiTa coffee shop and across from the gas station-turned vintage furniture store - a gorgeous stone building against a perfect blue sky.
- "This church is for sale," I said.
- "Can churches be for sale?" R asked.
- "Guess so," I said, and then we marveled at the wildly gorgeous architecture for a minute. I'm sure R tried to open the front door while I stood to the side getting super nervous because I have a fear of going inside places you're not supposed to go.
- "You could do something incredible with this space," R said. Then we took one last look before walking away.
- "Why doesn't anyone want to buy this church?" I said.
- "I don't know, but someone should buy it and turn it into a movie theater," R said, "This town could really use that."
- "I found our church on the Internet, and it's only $499,500.00," I said on Monday afternoon.
- "Let's buy it," R said.
- "Okay," I said.
- "I'm not kidding," he said.
- "Neither am I," I replied.
- "We'll use one of those old church marquees as the movie marquee." R said, and then, "But you know the pews are gone inside."
- "Well, I bet you can get church pews from anywhere," I said. "But would they be comfortable to sit in for a whole movie?"
- "We'll have pillows," R said.
No, we can't currently afford this church (even if it does cost less than a 1 bedroom condo in West Hollywood), we have even less money to refurbish it (and far less know-how), and we don't know how we'd manage it if we did (because we live 3K miles away), but we're not concerned with that.
We're concerned with how awesome it will be to own a movie theater/performance space with an eventual restaurant in the heart of a blossoming upstate town. It's exactly the kind of older, bi-coastal, small-town life situation we aspire to because we're really mom-and-pop-shop people at heart. Mom-and-pop-shop people with a house in Venice Beach and a church movie theater in the Hudson Valley.
Now we just need to figure out how to make it happen. I've tasked R with calling the local judge/town lawyer (who conveniently also happens to be marrying us) to inquire about the property, and I plan to do the same with these Trulia.com people. Then once we know more about the property history and...I don't know?...zoning? That sounds like an official word... we'll figure out how to get the business owners of Hudson and Claire Danes involved. The business owners of Hudson are who you'd imagine - butchers, bakers, candle stick makers and gay men who own bed and breakfasts. Claire Danes is Claire Danes, but she's relevant to this because she owns a house in the general area of our church, and a movie theater inside a church seems like just the project she'd love to support (based on nothing other than the fact that she is in movies, one of which had a pretty major scene in a church).
- "I'm going to write about our church," I told R this morning.
- "Why?" R said.
- "Because I think if I write about it, it will happen."
- "Like The Secret?" R asked.
- "No," I said, "More like a shame slash guilt combo. Like if we're accountable to it on my blog, we'll actually look into it."
Plus, at the heart of it for me is this: there are two kinds of people in this world - people who want to buy an abandoned church but do nothing about it because it's a totally ridiculous idea and people who want to buy an abandoned church and actually try to make it happen because nothing is totally ridiculous, and even if it is, it's definitely worth the totally ridiculous journey. R and I are the latter - or at least we are from this post forward.
To be continued...
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
The last thing I wrote about my upcoming wedding was this list of the Top 10 Weirdest Things About Being Engaged and this way-too-long essay on how to find a wedding dress.
Those were both written almost three months ago - a time when I was still totally and completely consumed with the planning process. I spent more hours per day than I'll ever admit (fine, 5-6) scanning Brooklyn Bride (amazing but typically too Brooklyn-y), Style My Pretty (amazing but typically too costly), and Save On Crafts (juuust my speed). Then in August R and I visited our wedding town (yes, we're taking over the entire town...) and crossed everything from venue contract and welcome party location to man-who-will-marry-us, DJ, florist, photo locations and all guest accommodations off our list. Oh, and duh R and I walked the entire town to pick which special spots we'll list on the hand drawn map my friend Carly is creating.
And then the minute we got home, we stopped. And I don't mean that I reduced the wedding blog procrastinating to 1-2 hours per day. I mean that we completely and totally ceased the planning of our wedding. And It. Felt. Awesome.
Every once in awhile R would mention something about looking into a trolley to transport guests to and from the hotels. I think I batted around the idea of creating a file for table decor ideas. If we thought of it, we'd add a song randomly heard on the radio to our on-going Wedding Songs iPhone note (I believe the latest was "Everybody, Everybody" by Black Box, which, if you instantly know what I'm talking about you've just earned yourself an invite to my wedding). But seriously, we did nothing.
A few already-married friends (hi Carly, Michelle, Heidi, Kristen, Lindsey, Sarah, and Matt!) checked in around this time to see how we were holding up. "Awesome, "I said, "We're doing absolutely nothing!" I said, which is when I first heard the term Eight Month Wedding Slump. Apparently people have been where we are, and one of them gave it a super cute name (though we can all agree that Seven Month Slump would be way better, right?).
The Eight Month Wedding Slump - I now know - is that valley between the mad cap early planning of months one through seven-ish and insanely overwhelming final planning of months nine through twelve of a one year engagement (I think. Math is not my forte). You could call it the calm before the storm, but I like to think of my own slump as more of an Ignorance Is Bliss phase. As far as I was concerned, this wedding was locked and loaded. I could get married in six weeks given all the planning we'd already done (somewhere my mom just broke out into hives)!
That is - that's how I felt until my first wedding nightmare. Apparently this is a thing too...
My bridesmaids and I were all in the bridal suite (which in this case was a room at the Magic Castle here in LA, of course). Everyone was stepping into their dresses (which were costumes from Downton Abbey, obvs) as we prepped to meet R and the groomsmen (one of whom was Fred Savage, hahaha). It was somewhere around 30 minutes before the wedding. And then my sister Dani turned to me and said, "so, when are we going to get our hair and make-up done?" at which point I looked directly into a standing mirror (Californians from SNL-style) and screamed bloody murder. I had forgotten to make appointments! Everyone's hair was still wrapped in post-shower towel turbans!! It. Was. A. Disaster!!!
The next morning I made a new to-do list and looked into all the salon options in town and that night I spent roughly three hours trolling the wedding blogs.
As of October 1st we will be approximately seven months out. I'm going to fight falling back into full-on planning for at least another month, partly because I'm not sure I can handle go-mode quite yet but mostly because Seven Month Slump really does sound much better...